Friday, February 1, 2013

I Look At The World And I Notice It's Turning


For those visiting here from the web or Susan's Place and are looking for stories about my two week stay in Montreal, you may want to start by viewing the blog archive section (to the right) and start your viewing from  the bottom of things posted in February 2012, which is where I placed my blogs from 2008. For more up to date information from when my friend Karyn had her surgery, so you can compare 2008 vs 2011, I suggest looking at the posts from April 2012.

The day after posting my blog "Five Years Gone", I met friends for dinner in Pelham, NH. Driving to the restaurant, I happened drove by my first endocrinologist's old office. She has since retired, but it's where I received my first taste of estrogen. I only saw her for two appointments and that was the first time I have been by that area since early 2006. It was total fate, seeing it was the five year anniversary of my first full day at Dr Brassard's in Montreal.

These blogs have served me well and I know others have learned from them. Some learned for their own future endeavors, some were people that knew me or of me, and learned a lot about me. I re-read them and I learn a lot about me all over again. I do refer back to them often. I smile at the things from back then, but yet can also get stomach knots, fears and tears I had back then. Especially in the week leading to Montreal, to the day I returned home. Even five years on, the emotions are still overwhelming.

I'm very glad I wrote these blogs or journals.A very dear friend, Cynthia (not to be confused with me), gave me a journal book to write in. I thought she was crazy. In hindsight, I can see that she was very much correct. But with my lousy hand writing I elected to write blogs digitally on MySpace, which in 2012, I transferred over to here. I can not imagine not having these to reflect upon.

One dear friend is notorious for removing her blogs from being posted and it drives me absolutely insane. For better or worse, the pain, the joy, the loneliness, the tears, the emotions are all part of the big picture. Even the embarrassing ones have a great way of building my character, even five years on. Writing got it off my chest. Reading them reminds me of where I've been and what I've survived. Hopefully they can give others the encouragement they need, no matter what they are after in life.

I know a lot of people that have had "the surgery" and don't get as emotionally involved as I have. They don't get the flashbacks or emotional ties that I get. That's okay too. I've been known for years for being able to distance myself from things. Usually, it's strictly a defense mechanism. Often it's spot on. But I was on such an emotional overload, that I didn't get to enjoy it at the time. I enjoy the flashbacks now. I wish I had a video of me 24/7 back in January 2008. It doesn't exist. I have these blogs and a handful of photos to see what I missed. No matter how I write it, I can not express  how and why I still get so emotional every year.

Strangely, I sent a congratulatory text to my surgery sister, Sonja on the fifth anniversary of our surgery date. Her reply, "I almost forgot. Thanks", simply proving what means the world to me, is just another day to someone else.

Not sure how much I can add here anymore. There's not really enough 'trans' things happening after five years. Unless something drastic happens like a relationship or encounter, this blog from now on will be very quiet except if there should be anything breaking. My five year wrap up on Thursday seemed to bring things full circle. Hopefully I'll find things to post on subject in the meantime. But I just may not have any further news until the 10th Anniversary in 2018.

Some how, knowing me, even I can't keep that promise :)

Peace & Love,
Cyn