Friday, July 20, 2012

The First Date

Despite having more than a few first dates in my time, though none in the past decade, the recent events of a good friend have me dwelling on a subject I’ve not yet covered. Dating.

Going through transition, you do get to get a second chance at childhood, well at very least, relive puberty, good and bad.  Females to Males (FtM) get to experience muscle growth, body hair and facial hair growth, and an increased libido that rivals any generic teenage boy. The Male to Females (MtF) notice the softening skin, reduced body hair, and breast development. Those are key things to each individual and things most often thought of by the general public.

But there’s a lot of other firsts that come along after surgery, some big, some that would mean nothing to the average person. The first swimsuit appearance (yes we fear it as much as the average woman), the first orgasm, the first doctor’s appointment at a general practitioner, the first kiss, the gynecologist,……………………………………

As an adult there’s always excitement of that first date, but nothing compares to being a teen and facing the nerves, good and bad, that come along with that first date. Being on the boy side, I completely remember the nerves. But I also distinctly remember my best first date ever, July 17, 2006, spent at Salisbury Beach. I wound up seeing her for over eight years. There was even a period of time when I thought for certain I would be married to her eventually. Guess I passed the first date. Strangely on July 17 this year, I knew the date was something important but couldn’t remember what it was. Last night it dawned on me, when our dear friend Jennifer, had HER first date.

Several times, I mentioned I was living through her vicariously. It was part humor, but very much part truth as well. Jen being the shyest of my inner circle, makes me personally look really out going. I’m not. I’m just more outgoing than my old self was. But when it comes to dating, she’s miles ahead of me. She had a true first date last night. And I felt her nerves sixty miles away. The same things any girl would go through, especially on a first, first date. What do I wear? What do I say? How do I look? What if he doesn’t show? OMG what if he tries to kiss me? How do I kiss back? etc.

Without trying, it’s just like being a kid all over again, only you get to try to correct the mistakes you may have made as a kid. But this time from the ‘other’ side. Not easy. Not fun. Not sure if I’m really looking forward to it. OK, I am, but certainly not the nerves that come along with it. If the date is with a woman, I’m sure I could tough it out a lot easier just praying old habits don’t creep in at any point. But if it was with a guy, I don’t know if I’d even know where to begin to handle that stress. Who am I kidding, I'd probably spend the night in the ladies room crying, LOL

It seems so strange to be in my forties and honestly think about the intricacies and nerves for a first date. Yes, divorced people usually make the leap smoothly. But in a totally different mind and body…….The challenge scares the daylights out of me.

I’m one of the people that helped pulled Jen out of her shell. She had a great time last night and it went smoothly. Hope I can learn to listen to my own advice when the time arrives……..if I don’t get stood up……..

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

I'm Moving Through Some Changes

I'm not even sure where to start this one. This is one I honestly never thought I'd write. Nor even have to.

My good friend Nicole and I have had several debates about this over the years, but much more often the past few weeks. The subject came roaring back to life in May, when I finally had that break through orgasm. My first as a female. It had been a long four plus year drought.

Nicole seems to think I was destined for this to happen. I completely disagree. She insists I've been denying it to myself. I just don't see that being true, honestly. I have no reason to lie about it, to her, to me, to anyone.

But in May when I realized I had started to slump physically and mentally and made the proper corrections to get myself out of it. It worked like a charm. All I did was get back to the feminine ways, I had longed decades for. Dressing better (dresses, skirts, heels), getting back to wearing makeup and other minor changes others wouldn't see. I also came off a natural high with a very successful two hours taking over Traci Belanger's Human Sexuality class at Southern New Hampshire University, despite stressing myself out the entire morning and afternoon prior.

But in the days that followed, I found key parts of my body coming alive but I honestly never thought much about it. But as I briefly alluded to in "Miracles Can Happen", without giving any details, strange thoughts started entering my mind. Certainly not dangerous or bad ones, just ones that were highly unusual for me to think about. Ever.

I was dressing better. I was feeling much better. I was acting much better. The slump was gone simply by reclaiming my femininity and stopped being lazy. And now my body was reacting in concert with the rest of the above.

I'm really not sure if it was the chicken or the egg syndrome. Was it the thoughts that brought me to climax or was it the climax that brought the thoughts? I honestly don't know. I just know it worked. In a major way. And has many, many times since. And I can't blame Nicole for putting thoughts in my head because they came all on their own. Admittedly scaring even me.

The thoughts have not been acted upon, nor had they ever before in my forty eight years. But Nicole, whom is correct too often for her own good (or mine) thinks it was inevitable. It was a natural progression despite my protests and verbal objections. She said "Look at you" referring to the above listed changes and what it had done for me in no time what so ever. She reminded me that I was bearing the entire package now and it was time to move forward and accept that the past was gone and not coming back.

In all of my five talks at SNHU, when asked about dating, I always referred to that in my past I had a wide arrangement of potential women to date. Since I became a "self-made lesbian", I reduced the pool down about 90%. Since I'm post op trans, I reduced that remaining 10% down yet another 90%. Slim pickings that have been and that will probably continue to be a long while for finding that long-term (or even short term) lesbian relationship. Which is precisely where my long term relationship goals reside. Nicole staunchly disagrees.

She feels I'm no longer equipped to please a woman but I'm now better suited for a heterosexual relationship. Again, we've had this debate for years. She forecast a change in my thought patterns long ago. I'm still denying them. But she is correct and to an extent so are the Montreal Four (Linda, Gaily, Carrie & Michelle), when they remind me that I did all of this hard work and spent a ton of money to make myself happy (and thereby literally saving my life), now it's time to use and enjoy the efforts to its fullest extent.

But I have to admit, the hormones have really started taking a new hold on my thought process. It obviously worked to end a four plus year drought of orgasm. Though the thoughts of romance or even kissing a male remain a complete turn off. That I can't deny. The thoughts of being sexual, especially bottoming to a male have become quite arousing both mentally and physically. That I also can't deny.

And this is all new to me, honestly and will absolutely come to a shock to all that know me. Unless they, like Nicole, saw something that I completely did not. These thoughts have not been acted upon as of this writing. But I sincerely would be lying to myself, if I said they won't be acted upon. Soon.