Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The Awesome Gift

Originally posted January 6, 2008

The Awesome Gift

Current mood: touched

Last night at the Racersbored.com Bored Bash 2008, I got an awesome gift from Jenn. A girl I've discussed here many a time. It was a stuffed moose. But the story of the moose's history and the words written in the card made the gift, all the more special. Jenn granted me permission to post them.


"Cyn, This old ratty thing, that I love, has gotten me through alot of hard times and some good too! I am passing him on to you to have during your journey and beyond. You can hug him, shake him, yell at him or just feel him there and he will love you no matter who you are, inside or out. So take him on your journey and I know you will be in good hands!!
Just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you!

Love ya,
Jenn aka ModRookie"


Thanks for making me cry last night and again today. He'll be in good hands. I promise.



My Gift From Jenn

ADDENDUM ADDED 1/31/2012
The moose carried me through two weeks in Montreal and months of recovery. He still sits proudly in my office at work, watching my every move.

Too Good Not To Share

Originally posted January 4, 2008

Too Good Not Too Share


Over the years, a lot of friends have said a lot of great things that took me aback, really helped or just plain encouraged me. All of which is greatly appreciated. All of it and all of you. I have the best friends on earth. Case closed.


But this past week, a friend of eight years commented on a blog that just blew me away. I was so thrilled and pleased with these words, that I honestly don't how to respond to her. But these words must be shared. Hopefully the fact that I'm reposting them, will be the compliment I really need to give, Laura Fox.


"Through your posts, blogs, outreach program, collaboration with the Telegraph and just being the friendly and compassionate person you are you're helping so many people. Not just those that are gay/lesbian/transgendered, but those that are confused by, or uncomfortable with, others that are gay/lesbian/transgendered. You should be very proud of yourself for being brave enough and selfless enough to put your journey out there in order to help others. And the number of non-MySpace messages you get just goes to show how many people there are out there looking for support and information. You're an angel in so many ways. Keep up the good work, and when you're feeling dejected and frustrated, please come back and look at this blog to remind yourself of just how wonderful you are."


I'm still blown away. Thanks Laura.

Fair Warning

Originally posted December 28, 2007

Fair Warning

Current mood: nervous

The Nashua Telegraph has asked to use my blogs from here in the online version of the article that is scheduled to break on January 13. I gave them permission, so I know they will be using my posts, but I'm not sure if they'll be using your comments.

But I am amazed how many people actually read these, based upon e-mail and IMs I get, off MySpace.

Strange Days Indeed

Originally posted December 25, 2007

Strange Days (indeed)

Current mood: crushed

Strange coincidences, but haunting me anyways.

In August 2003 when the "Original Cyn" and I broke up, I went to my favorite watering hole at Hampton Beach to drown my sorrows. It was August but unusually foggy. As I drank my self into oblivion while crying in the fog on the Hampton Harbor. Luckily due to the fog, no one was on the deck with me. But it was my favorite watering hole, not only on the seacoast, but anywhere. Despite being a dump, it really was a cool place, known to only the locals who made me promise not to tell my city (ManchVegas) friends. That was the last time I was there. Between Christmas & New Years, it burnt to the ground.


Since Thanksgiving, I've been haunted from gaps in the past that I needed to close. I'm losing sleep bad and it's killing me. Stupid things 'flashing' by night by night. People, places, situations....all long forgotten. Haunting me. Stressing me.


This Sunday (Dec 23) I woke up with the strangest desire to go to a place to watch football that I haven't been in three or four years. My father figure (Joe Barry) and I used to watch football there religiously, no matter the weather. In December between Christmas & New Year's, I got an awful call, Joe was dying. January 2005 Joe passed away, shockingly to me. I was crushed BUT one thing hindering my transformation was that I didn't want to disappoint Joe. He taught me a lot in life. From gambling, to people to life itself. Joe was the only true father I ever knew despite not being related. Over the years together, Joe took care of me and I in turn watched out for him. I really miss him. I wouldn't be half the strong person I am today without his influence.

I knew if I had gone to Brennans (aka Angelo's) to watch football, I could have seen some old friends. One to bring me back home. Two, to close yet another chapter and say goodbye to friends that knew John. I thought to myself, I'm tired, I'll go next week, before New Years. Heck that's where Joe and I met friends to spend New Years Eve day for years, December 30 was close enough........soooo I stayed home.


I woke up this morning (December 25) to find Brennan's (Angelo's) had burnt to the ground overnight. Christmas Eve/morning. My waiting was yet another mistake. Another place, another closure in my life, burnt to the ground, between Christmas and New Year's.


Thanks to Mark David Chapman, I'll never truly enjoy another Thanksgiving. Thanks to life & fire I don't ever want to see another Christmas to New Years stretch again.


After facilitating the kids group tonight, I drove by Brennan's despite being the opposite way to home. The firetrucks & police were still there. The building was still smoldering.


Only proper. Sometimes I feel like my life is still smoldering.

This Makes Me Happy

Originally posted December 22, 2007

This Makes Me Happy

Current mood: jolly

Just under a year ago, I met someone for the first time. Later in the evening, her and I had a drunken chat. I'll never forget her words. "You seem really nice, but I have to admit, what you're doing, really freaks me out."


Less than six months later, this person wrote, called and we met because she needed advice and valued my opinion.


Today, I got a stellar Christmas card from her, talking about how close we've become, what good
friends we've become and how she can't wait for us to build more memories of our friendship together.


Yes, things I'm doing still freak me out too. But knowing without trying, I could convince someone that I'm still a good person and good friend, really keeps me smiling.


Thanks Kelly

Monday, January 30, 2012

Ok,Ok, Ok

Originally posted December 13, 2007

Ok Ok Ok

Current mood: wanted


I posted a bad blog the other day. Thanks to true friends I'm over my slump. I've learned to slow down and not let life's little traumas build up on me. Thank you. You know who you are.


Granted their reasoning is a getaway more than my 'ordeal' but tonight two friends told me that I may have four or five joining me in Oh Canada. That is AMAZING, and more than I could ever have dreamed of or imagined.


To think, the first time(s) I saw that special on Discovery Health Network, I cried over the fact that I was going to be alone. Now I have the potential of five wonderful people coming..........People I truly care about and quite honestly, I'm stunned will be there........I'm thrilled beyond belief.


No more depression, no matter what! I've got friends and that's all that really matters to me.

Next Few Weeks

Originally posted December 11, 2007

Next Few Weeks

Current mood: depressed

These next few weeks had better go by damn quick. The pressure is getting to me and I need to start living life and stop f'ing around with getting through all of this. I've reached a breaking point.

I just want to go about my daily business, and live like a normal person.

Another few days like this and I won't have to worry about the future.

------------------------------------------------------------------

View From Racersbored

Also you now have built in air bags for extra safety. LOL (can you save money on car insurance with them?)

DAVE SANBORN 12/18/07

Disappearing Blogs, Friends & Life

Originally posted December 10, 2007

Disappearing Blogs, Friends & Life

A lot of my blogs have been disapearing, simply because I've decided to print them out, with comments and scrapbook them for my future. I lost some great things when RB 2.0 crashed. I don't want that to happen again. I found a lot of occasions, thoughts and feelings I had forgotten about. Thanks to the Original Cyn, Nicole, and Laura for convincing me to keep a record of such things. You were all correct. I'm glad I listened for once.


My best friend has come back into my life the past few weeks and that's really helped me get through these days, including that rough stretch I had around Thanksgiving. But I've really learned what an awesome circle of friends I've built up. Offering thanks to you just isn't enough. I'll try to make it up.

I'm still crushed that I was able to schedule everything to be completed in a timely fashion to be ready for the next 'season', only to be knifed by a supposed 'friend' within days of my getting the good timing news. I'm strong and I don't lose. Being Irish, I won't forget either.

43 days and counting down. The night before I leave for "Oh Canada" all current blogs will be deleted, and I'll be starting fresh. Leaving only the future for me to look at. Thanks to friends, it's looking bright.

And being past all of this and being free to just live my life is going to be a reward in itself.

ADDENDUM ADDED 1/30/2012
Deleting all of the above mentioned blogs seemed like a great idea at the time. But the majority of the blogs that I've posted below have had to be retyped from a print copy. One key at a time.......

Sometimes You Get Lucky 2 (Racersbored)

Originally posted on December 8, 2007


Sometimes You Get Lucky 2 (Racersbored)


These are more highlights from Racesbored that I want to share and save before they get lost. They don't include e-mail or MySpace messages. Granted some accidently got lost. But I want saved in case we lose Racersbored 3.0. Hence the remarks about changes and upgrades.


hmmm.....i know there was a dude named Johnny that wasnt opposed to upgrades at all......ROFL
Nathan Kelly 7/17/07

wow...you got balls nowadays! wait...what?..LOL
Nathan Kelly 7/17/07
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know if I've never told you I truly think your an amazing person...and probably one the strongest people I've met...
And yes of course we're friends...I don't share alot of my personal stuff with many...but I really do feel like I can share them with you....good times...good friends.....
Heidi Bodreau 8/8/07
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------..>
We've both spoken on how incredibly strong we think you are to each other. His only thing in the
beginning was how to approach you. He said I always knew John and we talked alot of racing lol..but he's really never thought less of you. I really want you to know that...
You have incredible sense of humor and I totally think that helps. Your a great person....screw anyone else who may think different...
Heidi Bodreau 8/8/07
---------------------------------------------------------
torkie: will munch for oil.
Nathan Kelly 9/14/07
---------------------------------------------------
lemme guess....they are gonna sponsor your surgery if you tattoo:________Motorsports on your tits.
Nathan Kelly 9/19/07

My response to the above

fucker.
Nathan Kelly 9/19/07

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The day my surgery date was posted without explanation

Hey if that date is what I'm assuming it is.....Congrats!!.....I know we dont talk much this year...but the off season is coming and I HAVE always thought of you as a great friend..you ever need anything let me or mom know!!!
Robert Thompson 9/19/07

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Thanks To The Manchester Monarchs Boosters

Originally posted on November 24, 2007

Thanks To The Manchester Monarchs Booster Club.


I had dropped my Manchester Monarchs season tickets and being a member of the Monarchs Booster Club, just after starting hormones.


The Booster Club never removed me from the e-mail list. Just before Thanksgiving, I received an e-mail because with members being away from the holiday they needed people to sell 50/50 tickets for the Monarchs charities, the night after Thanksgiving. I volunteered.


I had a great time. Sold a ton of tickets. In fact the people in the money office kept pushing me back out to sell because I was having a great turnover rate on ticket sales.


Thanks to the Monarchs Booster Club for getting me back to a place I never really thought I’d get to again. It was a blast helping you and the charities, all while getting out to see people and friends, I hadn’t seen in way too long.




ADDENDUM ADDED 1/29/2012
That night I met a lady, whom would try to contact me after the March 30 Nashua Telegraph article. We've been friends and antagonists since, Mary-Lynn Belforti

And since then I've had people I saw that night, asking me Monarchs questions. No matter how hard I try, they don't understand that I do not and did not work for the Monarchs

The Roller Coaster Ride Continues

-->

Originally posted on November 17, 2007




The Roller Coaster Ride Continues

I’ve been getting reprimanded for not updating enough. Here’s another.
Last Friday (November 9) work had an open house that I was really dreading, but it actually turned out much better than I had anticipated. I saw a lot of old friends and co-workers. Quite a few didn’t even recognize me. Some shied away completely, others were great. But the night flew and I had a blast. Of course, consuming about two bottles of wine helped. Two things happened that left me kind of puzzled and concerned for a few days, but I’d prefer to just leave them there.

The next morning was Mod Chick Mafia Spa Day at Serendipity in Pembroke. A blast as per usual, but relaxing too. I got a surprising gift from a friend (Heidi) with an awesome card and an even better ‘hug to go to Montreal’ to complete the whole package. It made a great day an even better one.


Photobucket

Photobucket
As I’m digging into my paperwork for Montreal, my nerves started to increase in their anxiety. Friends have reminded me of things I wouldn’t be capable of the few weeks after surgery, and that makes me quite nervous. I’m very, very self sufficient and the mere thoughts of needing or asking for help the days after, is not something I’m looking forward to. But all the things I’m being reminded of, are telling me I had better learn to swallow my pride for a bit.

But on Wednesday, out of the blue, I got an e-mail from an acquaintance who had her surgery back in May, Dr Madden. It was very short, but she sent the below which settled my nerves immensely.

“I hear that you are having surgery soon. I didn’t find it half as bad as I thought it might be. Just the first few days were difficult but they load you up on pain medicine. At the convalescent center, towards the end of my stay, I would get bored and tell the nurses that I was leaving for a few hours. I’d walk up the boulevard and shop.”

Of course, that calming effect went by the wayside, when on Friday, I received a fourteen page contract from the doctor in Montreal. Welcome home to reality.

A good friend, Melinda, that I met at a Jabbers show two two years ago, is home from Memphis for a few days. She’s been a great friend and it’s been great to spend valued face to face time, as opposed to e-mail, phone or MySpace. A relaxing dinner in Portsmouth one night and in Bedford the next night, were absolutely wonderful. Just don’t say “Y’all” around her or make fun of the southern accent she’s developed.

Tonight I’ll see her again, as the Jabbers are playing in Portland, ME. It’ll be cold, but the punk rock Cyn is ready. The conservative image most often seen of me will be completely discarded for the evening. Besides, “this is punk rock motherf----r”


ADDENDUM ADDED 1/29/2012
Portland wound up being MUCH colder than anticipated.

I woke up after the open house very hungover and very late. Making me late for the spa day, where some of the girls had caused to trouble before arrived and had my phone ringing to get there and straighten things out. LOL

The trophy and card from Heidi are still in my office today. The warmth of her hug that day still resonates.

Strange But Good Week

Originally posted October 28, 2011

Strange But Good Week

Current mood: nervous

Last week I got a big package in the mail from Montreal. It contained all of the
regulations I’ll need to follow for the next few months (blood work, tests,
paper work, money etc). It also included a list of things I’ll need to bring to
Montreal, a lot of which I don’t have. Also a list of items I’ll need for when
I return home. That’s where I’ll learn my humility, both between the things
I’ll need and the things I’ll need to do.

This past weekend, the photographer for the Nashua Telegraph (Corey) shadowed me at
Lee USA Speedway all weekend. Corey followed virtually every move I made, to
the point a ton of people, when they didn’t see him, would ask “Who’s that?” or
“what’s going on?” Sunday on the way to the track, Corey told me he had taken
over 1500 photos on Saturday alone! Thank goodness the porta-potties were
single stalls, that was my only privacy!

Tuesday, I got my second and final “recommendation for surgery” letter. Yee f’m haw. Or
as Melinda would say, “yee F’n haw, y’all”

I want to get everything in order, ASAP. So I’m no fighting the cold weather,
snow, Christmas shoppers and any last minute financial crunches.

Tuesday night, I started to gather the necessary items from the list from Montreal.
Stopping at a few pharmacies to gather the needed items. The worst was I need
five tubes of KY. Not being used to doing anything that required lube, I was
confused by the amount of choices, until broke down and had to ask the
pharmacist. Humbling if I may so.

Wednesday, I went shopping for some of the clothing items I was instructed to bring to
Montreal, that I didn’t own. Being shadowed by Karen, the reporter from the
Nashua Telegraph. Which wouldn’t have been bad if I was shopping for items I
was familiar with. But these items I have never shopped for before. So at least
Karen got to see and hear my frustration and thought process in action.

Trying to find two cotton nightgowns (as per instructions) when having never bought
any, isn’t an easy task. Especially since I didn’t want to look like a grandma,
but yet have to remember I’ll be at a hospital. And having some one watch you
and ask questions, made it a true experience. Then shopping for ‘ten pairs of
white cotton panties’ when you own none made for another humbling experience,
as everything had number sizes as opposed to S,M,L & XL. But thankfully I
had to pick up a gift at Victoria’s Secret and they had just what I needed. In
sizes I’m used to working with, and on sale to boot.

Thursday night, I stayed up entirely too late instant messaging with someone I just met
at the modified races, this past summer. She has been a very big help and
inspiration. Even if our first “meeting” freaked me out (A private message from
her). I’m very glad to have gotten to know you, Jenn.

Friday I got a letter from my first true love, Elaina. It really made me happy but
after an hour or so, it really brought me down. Simply because it reminded me
of some great times and great places spent with a great person. I spent 8 ½
years with her. 20% of my life.

Friday night, I went to a Dixie’s (Kathy) for a ‘For Your Pleasure” party, aka a toy
party. With all of the Mod Chick Mafia Chicks minus Pinky (Heidi) , it was
hilarious and a lot of fun. I’m glad I let them talk me into going. I just met
these chicks a year ago and truly can’t imagine life without them.


Photobucket

Today, I got some photos from a very good friend from high school and beyond. They
were of the two of us, back in April. Just seeing her in the photos made my
day. Thanks Kimberly.

Thanks girls, I love you all.

Photobucket

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Thanks My Space

Originally posted November 4, 2007

Thanks MySpace

Usually I delete e-mail on here from people I don’t know, without ever
reading. Too many trolls.

Earlier this spring/summer I chronicled a night I went out to dinner with the
Mod Chick Mafia and came home to a nice e-mail, in a different sort of way.
It was from a stranger that I have seen at the race track, but honestly never
thought she even knew I existed. She was wise a put in a key word in her
subject title , “Monadnock” that made me know this person knew me some
how. She did her home work and found me on MySpace. Jenn has since
become a friend that I talk to often, be it at the track, at a social function or
online.

This week on Wednesday, I was ungawdly tired and picked up an order to go
and went home. I spent Thursday and Friday fighting a fever I couldn’t kill.

Friday night, still feeling lousy, after Newbury I headed over to
Stop’N’Shop to pick up a few things for the weekend. I bumped into a
friend, of approximately fifteen years. He said a quick ‘hi’ but then went out
of his way to act as if he didn’t even know me, though I frequent his
restaurant quite often. Thanks Greg, I won’t forget.

Friday night I arrived home unusually late and I had two e-mails from
strangers, on MySpace. One appeared to be yet another troll. But the other I
was very, very close to deleting but this person also was smart enough to use
a keyword in the subject line that made me second guess it, so I opened it.
What I got was a great note from a girl I wasn’t familiar with. It ended my
week on a positive note. She saw me when I had picked up my dinner on
Wednesday and knew me from Newbury. She did some research and found
my page.

Below is the note, with her employer blocked out for her privacy. But this is
absolutely, positively a keeper.

“As an avid shopper at Newberry Comics and a creepy -------/-------m employee, I
noticed you. Haha I'm sure that sounds awful but I don't mean it in an offensive way at
all. I was just curious and happened to remember your name from a take-out order, which
probably also sounds awful. After reading a couple blogs I found myself having a huge
amount of admiration for you. I was basically raised by a person in your situation and I
have nothing but the up most support and applause for anyone who can go through it with
your head raised high. So overall as creepy or awful as this all sounds I hope that you can
appreciate my support and walk a little taller knowing you may have admirers anywhere
you go. I'd by happy to pack your take out order anytime.
Good Luck and tons of wishes
Jessica”

Not only did her words make me very happy. But the fact that she had to go
out of her way to express them, makes them even more special.

Update (Trying To Keep Short)

Originally posted October 18, 2007

Update (Trying To Keep Short)

Sorry it’s been a while since I’ve updated. Been much busier than I would
have hoped. Here’s life’s quick recap.

It’s official. I’ve retired from NEMA and racing. I didn’t go out with the
dignity I had hoped. But I went out without regrets. My race officiating days
are behind me, unless a miracle happens. Don’t count on it, but………

My surgery date is Monday, January 28, 2008. I have to check in on
Thursday January 24 2008. I have two incredible friends planning on joining
me for a day or two. This is much more appreciated than I can even
verbalize. I’ve been told we will have a few days to see Montreal before
being incapacitated.

Romantically, I had some hope & promise but the air was let out of that
balloon unceremoniously.

I’ve hardly had any time to check here, never mind post. Don’t yell at me,
it’s not my fault. Honestly.

Oh and my Melinda is coming home to NH in November. Can I get help in
kidnapping her?

My Resignation Letter

Published publicly for the first time.


Dear Mr. Scrivani,

Thank you for the opportunity to serve the North Eastern Midget Association
for the past five seasons. It is with heavy heart, that I confirm my resignation from
NEMA, effective at the completion of the running of the 2007 Thompson World
Series.

It appears, my unavailability to be at the Monadnock rain date on September
1, due to prior commitments, would lead to this day that I didn’t want to see
come.

I have only one way of doing my job. That is to the best of my availability. I
pride myself on doing my job accurately and with equal emphasis across the
board, be it for a rookie, a Quad 4 driver, or a multi-feature winning driver. Lately,
I‘ve found it impossible to do my job to its full potential without the co-operation of
my co-workers and superiors.

Despite the overwhelming support from the NEMA competitors for me not to
miss another NEMA show, the events at Monadnock were the starting point that
has lead to my being ostracized from the organization.

For medically diagnosed reasons, I attempted to retire at the completion of
both the 2005 and 2006 seasons, with grace and dignity and on my own terms.
At the wishes of yourself and Steve Grant, I withdrew my retirement and
continued my dedication to the organization. But as you readily admitted at
Seekonk on October 7, 2007, I am being pressured out of NEMA due to no fault
of my own. I am extremely disappointed.

NEMA is a great organization and is prospering greatly. I’m very proud of
the time I’ve spent and the people I’ve met. I wish nothing but the best in the
future for NEMA, its supporters, and its competitors.

Sincerely,
Cynthia Tebbetts

Friday, January 27, 2012

The End Of An Era




I returned home from a great weekend at the Oswego Classic, but instead of going straight home, I had to stop at work. My check for surgery had been sent there and I wasn’t waiting to pick it up any longer than I had to.


I was looking forward to the weekend as it was the Star Classic weekend and the race division I worked with was on the bill as well. I had missed a show at Monadnock that was rescheduled from a June rainout. In the days leading up to the Star show, I had been contacted by many drivers and crew members about the fiasco at the race I missed. They were happy I was back from New York.


I was anxious to get to Star. Not only because I love the Classic but because some of my supporters were not aware that I had great news to share, my surgery financials were in order. And I was going to make sure I was healthy in time for the start of 2008 race season.

Our cars were parked in a horseshoe like fashion and as I walked in the center, competitors from all sides where hollering things like “Thank God you’re back”, “Boy did they f—k things up last week”, “Oh are we happy to see you” etc. I felt great. There’s nothing better than feeling wanted or missed. But these comments fell on the ears of a very egotistical co-worker. Some one I considered a friend and an ally for years, despite being warned by people that knew him much longer than I. But we always got along great and worked perfectly together. He did not take kindly to my praise and the disrespect given to the events of the previous week. I was going to pay for it.

The rest of the event, I was treated quite coldly by my right hand co-worker. A massive thunderstorm came through knocking out the track safety lights. I figured we could race our qualifying safely as we still had the driver’s radios. The heats did go off ok, with one incident and an up and coming driver didn’t hear the call for a yellow. Upsetting a veteran driver who took the law into his own hands and dumped the kid under caution. Sparking a war in the pit area, and leaving the heap of blame on me, by a friend looking for any reason to poke at me.

We were also doing a tribute that night to a fallen car owner whom we had just lost the previous week. We set up a plan for tribute in the drivers meeting. Easy enough. Come feature time, my ‘friend’ doesn’t do what he said he was going to do at the finish. Creating confusion for the drivers, fans and everyone present. A total cluster. I was furious. But as soon as I returned to the pit area I was told “ things were great, until this year”. Only one thing changed in 2007 from previous years. My name.


Another uniformed official e-mailed me that week saying “I don’t know why ----- is mad at you, he’s the one who didn’t do what he said in the drivers meeting.” But I’m not part of the clique. I was marked for failure as soon as I arrived to the welcomes of the competitors. This was the job I was begged to stay on, mind you.
We still had four races to get through before the season ended. Three of them two day shows. I hoped things would clear up. They didn’t. They got worse. It’s hard to do a job properly when then the person you rely to to help be in control won’t even speak to you. I slowly started noticing a split in the drivers and owners. Those who were behind me, and, those who wanted the “it” gone.


I just wanted to quit. But I made a commitment. I’ll stick to it. No matter how miserable I am. I almost walked away at Seekonk before the racing even began, the following week but I promised two drivers I wouldn’t. I still have the e-mail from a championship driver thanking me for staying and it showed at Monadnock how valuable I am. A higher up in the club and car owner sent me an e-mail stating “I wanted to let you know you’re doing a great job. A few drivers have told me emphatically that they feel “unsafe” without you there—that is a pretty important role”
But I was marked. I wasn’t the clique member. I wasn’t the drinking buddy during the week.
I barely survived a two day show in Connecticut a week later. But we returned to Seekonk the following week, another two-day event of working against animosity. Being fought against doing my job properly. I couldn’t work like this and I was stressing myself out before I even got to the track, never mind only when the cars were on the track. I was miserable.

Sunday morning I approached a higher up in the group. I had to. A person that supported me and pushed for me to stay against my will, the past few years. I told him as well as asking “You know I’m being forced out of this club.” To my horror he replied, “Yes, I know” and quickly changed the subject to next week’s race. I was mortified. I was also done.
Monday, I wrote the meanest harshest resignation letter I could write. I sent it to a good friend, who also does racing public relations for a living for approval. For forty-eight hours, I heard no reply. Nothing. Zero. So Wednesday, I wrote up a calmer, nicer resignation. Within ten minutes I had a reply, “I knew you’d come to your senses. This one is fine.”

I did arrive for the last race of the year, but not before sending my resignation to group officers and with extra copies in hand if needed. But I honored my commitment.
Many greeted me saying they were sorry I was retiring, and that they always loved the way I handled a race. But I was tipped off that the person that wanted me gone, my ‘friend’ was going to announce his retirement as well, to steal my thunder. Sure enough he did, but I stepped back and said nothing. And yes, he was right back on opening day 2008, as expected.
I called my last race. At the Thompson World Series. A favorite weekend of mine, since my first visit in 1979. Thankfully things went smooth and after the race, the four members of the Mod Chick Mafia in attendance met in victory lane. I wanted them with me for a photograph of my official retirement. Linda Kimel, Kelly Williams, Gail Doolittle and Elaine King helped me ‘celebrate’ while captured for posterity by photographers Howie Hodge and Jim Feeney.

I tearfully watched my beloved super modifieds from the infield. Trying to talk to as few people as possible. But even Mr Feeney said to me that it was good I was getting out. Take time to heal and move on with my life. After the super race I headed back to the pits, dropped off my radios, made sure here was no questions or disputes. There wasn’t. I hopped in my car and got out of there ASAP. Saying goodbye to no one, I didn’t even stay for the NASCAR modified feature, which I usually love at Thompson. I wanted to be far, far away.
Leaving twenty-seven years of racing scorned, hurt and betrayed. But yet, strangely some what relieved too.

But in a strange twist, less than two years later, the person who made my racing life miserable for over a month, showed his true colors. Mid-season, he signed in at the pit shack at Twin State Speedway, drove his street vehicle through the pit area once. Quit and drove off. Before the start of practice, never mind the race itself. Don’t think my phone wasn’t ringing with that story within minutes of his departure from friends at the track.

At least I honored my commitments to the end.



Photobucket

Updates 9/5/2007

Originally posted on September 5, 2007

Updates

Current mood: anxious

Sorry it’s been as hectic as can be and I’ve hardly had time to catch up on
blogs and friends. I know I need to sit down and write to Laura (I hear India
Palace calling our name) and Melinda, whom I’ll hopefully see in Niagara
Falls.

A few weeks back, I met with a really nice reporter from the Nashua
Telegraph. I thought it was going to be a one-time interview. But it appears
there’s going to be much more going on. She is looking to do a series on the
transgender in New Hampshire. My situation and timing seemed to be
perfect for what she needs. I do believe the series will also include a doctor
from NH that recently completed her transformation. I believe the Telegraph
is going to shadow me at work, home, the race track etc., right through
surgery.

She asked if I’m willing to open up my life and I agreed I would. I spent 40
years being shy, I’m not spending the next 40 years that way. Plus if I can
help one person or help educate the masses, it’ll be well worth it. Well, we
start tomorrow at my nail appointment.


Photobucket
Photo by Corey Perrine

I got home from Oswego Classic Weekend and had to start the rest of the surgery
paper work chase. I stopped by the endocrinologist’s office to get his
mandatory paper work and met with Anne Boedecker’s support group,
where I hadn’t been in months. It was great to see the changes in people. I
made a appointment with a second therapist, Leeann Tigert, as you need two
letters to get approval for surgery. I start with Leeann next week.

As soon as I can gather all of the paperwork, it’ll be shipped to Montreal,
next day delivery, as I’m hoping to complete surgery before the end of the
end of the first quarter of 2008. That would give me enough time to heal up
before the start of the racing season. Seeing those early spring shows are
usually two-day shows, I want to be up and around 100%.

Most surprisingly, a girl, Jenn, I had only met a few weeks ago, out of the
blue., sent me an e-mail. She’s a former nurse and without me ever saying
anything, the words in her e-mail read “I want to take care of you physically
and mentally after your surgery.” She totally floored me. That was so nice to
hear.

Another great girl. Melinda, offered her nursing services as well though
she’s too far away and has her own health to improve. But she’s a true friend
through and through.

Soon after I made a semi-public announcement about surgery, two awesome
chicks from the Mod Chick Mafia, sent me a totally un-requested surprise.
Without me asking, suggesting, hinting or even alluding to, sent me a note
saying that they were not going to let me go to Montreal alone. Hey are
planning on going up to Montreal with me for a few days. That’s true
friendship. Thanks Linda & Michelle, you two just totally blew my mind.
And considering I barely knew you both a year ago…….

I’m stunned.

Photobucket

Big News (For Me)

Originally posted on August 24, 2007

BIG News For Me

Current mood; ecstatic

This is not yet public knowledge, but I know a few close friends tend to read
this, so I’m posting this here.

As many know, I received my permission letter for surgery back in June. But
there was still one major obstacle left to face. The cash.

No thanks to insurance companies, which refuse to help with gender
dysphoria, I needed a ton of cash. Even with two surgical letters.

Well, I’ve been stressing a lot lately, because as a struggling, single
homeowner, I realistically never, ever figured this would go through. Well
today at 1:30 I got the call. Today at 5:00, I was signing the papers. I have
with a small miracle refinanced my house with me receiving the cash
necessary to complete the journey that is forty-three years over due.

My paper work should be in the mail to Montreal, next week. Hopefully
soon, I’ll be announcing my date for sexual reassignment surgery.

I never in my years thought I’d see the day. A special thanks goes to the
supporting friends who’ve been there through the good and bad.

I’m going to sleep really good tonight. For once.


Photobucket
Photo by Corey Perrine

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Worst Fear Strikes

Originally posted on August 14, 2007


Worst Fear Strikes

Current mood: uncomfortable

This could be a long blog, but I’ll cut to the chase.

Tonight I facilitated at Manchester Outright (the kids group), but the first twenty
minutes were going horribly wrong. Fortunately my sense of humor took over and
I don’t believe anyone knew the intense inner stress I was feeling. The group
ended up a good one and finished very smooth.

Immediately after the group I had to go grocery shopping because I have a pot luck dinner
in Claremont tomorrow night, with the Mod Chick Mafia. I like things as fresh as possible, so I
picked things up at the last minute.

I started by getting cat food to keep my two cats quiet. I can’t ever go into a
grocery store without getting cat food. There was a gentleman in his late 40’s
about ten yards down the aisle. As I grabbed a few cans, this guy looks over
and says “At least someone knows what their cat eats.” I gave a friendly answer
and went about my business. This guy keeps staring at me. I’ll admit, for
someone who had no self confidence, I looked pretty good tonight. Probably
looking like a forty year old accountant that just left her office. Very
conservative.

He then comes closer with a bag of cat food he’s buying for his girlfriend’s cat.
He tells me that she’s gone and he’s stuck watching the cat, not knowing what
it eats. I played nice and left the aisle.

As I left the pet food aisle to get my food for tomorrow night’s dinner, he was at
the check out and exclaims “Hey, what are you doing after this?” I reply “I’m
going home.” I finished my shopping about ten minutes later. I proceed to the
checkout and I notice the dude is hanging around the front of the checkout.
Talking to employees and ‘reading’ the bulletin board. My internal fear
strikes.

I loaded my groceries on to the belt and I notice him staring at me. As the
cashier is ringing me up, I’m in semi-panic mode. I grab my cell phone and make
sure it’s on. Granted I had too many grocery bags in hand to use it if I needed
it.

I’m in a grocery store that shares a parking lot with the music store I work part
time at. As I arrived the store lights were on, but it’s now after 9:30, the
store is closed and Jeff & Adam are in the backroom counting the money. I
took notice of the employee vehicles when I arrived. If I knock on the front
door, they’ll never hear me.

I tried to carry my bags and leave my cell phone accessible. But who would I
call?

As I start walking towards the exit of the grocery store, this gentleman decides
it’s time for him to go as well and offers to help carry some of my purchases.
I politely decline. But he continues to walk with me, asking if I want company.
Again I politely decline. I pick up my pace but it’s not easy in a pencil skirt
and heels after a fourteen hour day. He asks again what I’m doing and if I want
company.

I get to the door and I see the lights in the music store are still on, but how
can I get there? Store is closed, will they answer? Plus my hands are too full
to dial. The whole way to my car, this persistent ass is still hitting on me.
He won’t fucking stop. Not to mention, he already told me he had a girlfriend.

As I get closer to my car, I hear a familiar female voice say “Hey darling”. It
was Linda, a lady from my cribbage league. She was parked next to the
persistent creep. Relieved I went over and said hello and gave her a big hug.
The creep got into his SUV and was STILL asking me if I wanted company. I
declined and continued to make small talk with Linda, an older lady, but a damn
cool one. The creep slowly left, but staring and smiling out the side window
the whole way. Linda then asks me “What’s that all about?”

I thanked her for being there and told her what just happened. She literally saved me from harassment or
worse from this dude. Linda said “You look great. Looking like you, I’m not
surprised he’s following you.”

Welcome to the world of being female. I certainly didn’t ask for this or want anything
to do with this guy, but he wasn’t taking ‘no’ for an answer. WTF?


ADDENDUM ADDED 1/25/06

I went out and bought red pepper spray the very next day, which I still carry
everywhere.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Sorry This Is Very Late In Coming

Originally posted July 12, 2007

Sorry This Is Very Late In Coming

Current mood : relaxed


I should have posted this stuff a month ago. I had no clue how many non-MySpace members actually read my blogs, especially the racing crowd, so let me get caught up to date.


June 10, my next door neighbor, whom I’ve often spoken to in neighbor type fashion but have never done anything social with, asked me to go for a ride to a greenhouse with her. I went and along the way, she starts talking to me more personal than ever before. She even shared some of her private life news with me. She later asked if I had a significant other, I replied that I hadn’t, but explained after what happened with my ex, I needed to take time away from dating.


Having been my neighbor for a year and a half, I finally said to her “well, you may have noticed some changes in me.” She laughed and replied “Ya think!” I told her what was going on with me. She and her husband had figured it out, but just weren’t positive of the end goal. She was glad to hear the story and was fully supportive.


June 11, the next day, I received birthday flowers from the Mod Chick Mafia at work. They sent the most awesome pastel roses. These girls really know to make me very, very happy. I love the MCM members so much.


June 12, I was at my therapist. In the mist of our conversation, she tells me, without me asking “Just let me know when you want your letter”. I was floored, stunned and ungawdly ecstatic. I do know, my camaraderie with most girls, especially the MCM was help. That and the fact that I could care less hat males and especially the males at the race track thought of my situation, was a boost in my being approved for surgery.


June 13, I was leaving for work and I got stopped, by the same neighbor mentioned above. She wanted to check out my outfit and commented on how great I always looked. Then in talking about clothes, she gave me the ultimate compliment. She said “You always look so nice, can you talk me shopping and help me pick out clothes?” Of course I will.


June 17, I had my bi-annual check up with my endocrinologist. Reviewing my latest blood work my hormone levels are that of 100% female, in both estrogen and testosterone. My insides now match my mind. Now just to complete the outside. He did boost my Premarin intake just a notch to help develop a bit further and quicker. Yes, my boobs are real. Stop asking.


June 30 was the Opie & Anthony Traveling Virus, for details read “Thanks Pests”


Lately the race tracks have been a better scene. People that had stopped talking to me are starting to talk to me like I’m human again, especially on the Modified Racing Series tour. One the NEMA tour, Deb Marvuglio (Shane Hammond’s mom) and Jennifer Scrivani have been incredible in their support and pushing me to push the boundaries to where they should be. But one person in particular has become an awesome ally, a very good friend and I’m someone I’m glad I met, Toni Cabral (Randy’s sister). Toni you are an incredible young lady and I appreciate your friendship more than you’ll ever know.


The above is not to take away from anyone in racing, especially the NEMA hierarchy. Mod Chick Mafia, Carol Haynes, Jim Feeney, Sue Fiske, John Ashley, Petra Long, Mike Douglas Jr. & Sr., Robert Gill and many others. They’ve all been spectacular.


To think how incredibly close I was to suicide four years go, to be the happy person I am now. I’m rich with friends and that means a lot. Thank you.


And to those that don’t like me anymore…..ppfffffffffffffftttttttttttttt.


And no Bob Gangwer, despite your efforts at Stafford, I will NOT be entering the amateur wet t-shirt contest at Oswego, on Classic Weekend.

Thanks Pests

Originally posted on July 1, 2007

Thanks Pests

Current mood: thankful

Since coming out to the United States, Canada and a good majority of
friends live on the Opie & Anthony Show in April 2006, I always wondered
what would happen when I faced an Opie & Anthony crowd in person
again. O & A crowds tend to be mostly crude males.

Thanks pests! I was a bit more than concerned going to the Opie & Anthony
Traveling Virus last night at Mohegan Sun, alone. I was meeting friends
there, but some were coming from the New Hampshire seacoast and another
from golfing in Rehoboth, MA. I was traveling alone.

I did meet up with my friends in the Dubliner, a great recommendation from
Cara From MySpace. I did miss meeting her in person though. She and her
fiancĂ© called me “The It” on a O & A message board, but I came to my
defense and Cara and I have gotten along since. But my friends and I split
after a few adult beverages. We didn’t connect again until we were inside
the Mohegan Sun arena.

I was about thirty yards into the arena doorway, looking over the
concessions to see who had the best food and adult beverage options.
Suddenly I was stopped by a group of folks. This group included Stalker
Patty, Big A, Pat From Moonachie, No Filter Paul and Sonny Forelli , names
familiar to O & diehards like myself. They all recognized me from publicly
humiliating myself on XM radio last April at the live Boston appearance.
They all commented on how good I looked and the improvements I had
made since last April.

I figured for sure as mean, cruel, and cut & dry the Opie & Anthony crowd
can be, I was toast being alone. Never happened. I was treated fantastic by
the pests, not harshly. Not even once.

During intermission, I was having an adult beverage and talking with the
very nice Mrs Sonny Forelli (her first name escapes me) when Sony
screamed for me to come over to talk with him and comedian Rich Vos. It
appears Rich recognized me from the O & A sticker stop I did at his show at
the Comedy Connection in January 2006. As Sonny introduced me to Vos. I
told him I knew him from last year. He recignised me but in typical Vos
fashion, he exclaimed “Yeah, but you didn’t have those tits last year”, I
laughed and assured him he was correct.

The pests, while on my own last nigh, could have played on my fears and
ripped me to shreds. Instead I was treated with the utmost respect. I
admittedly was frightened for my physical well being, going in alone. What
happened was the complete opposite.

Thanks pests.

Private E-Mail Sent To Friends June 12, 2007

Important (To Me) News (THE Letter)

Private e-mail sent to close friends only on June 12, 2007

This is not being sent to my friends list, just those whom I think really care,
If I’m sending this to you, congrats, you are head and shoulders above many
others., including family. I might have missed someone by accident, if you
get this late, please don’t feel slighted.

This afternoon I had an appointment with my main therapist. She is
considered one of the leading gender specialists, north of Boston. I know
people older than me, who’ve been the opposite gender much longer than
me, with the same therapist. But she denies their readiness and ability to
adjust, to get their letter for surgery.

Today, I was updating her on my life and my feelings, pro and con. The
MCM (Mod Chick Mafia) came up a lot, all positive, of course. Ok honestly,
I know my MCM interaction is key in what I‘m about to say.
You need a letter from your main therapist plus one other specialist before
they do anything irreversible. A letter that is not given away or easy to come
by. Not even bought.

Out of the clear blue, without me even asking, I was told “Just let me know
when you want your letter. You’re ready.” I was, and still am very stunned.
Granted by medical standards, they can not do anything surgically before
November 16. By I’ve proved my case so well, I’m able to leap frog those
with many more years experience, to get where I should have been 43 years
ago.

I’ll repeat this for those who have skimmed. I am being granted my surgical
letter.

This is huge in my life. Absolutely nothing bigger.

Love, Cynthia

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

WOW!

Originally posted on May 8, 2007

WOW!

Current mood: surprised

Today was my very first mammogram day. That part wasn’t as bad as I
feared. The two pictures they had to re-do hurt. I’m not looking forward to
again, but still wasn’t as bad as feared.

But the MEDICAL PROFFESIONAL made my day. BIG TIME. As I’m
standing there half dressed, she started with the first timer questions……


Q: When did you start menstruating?
A: Never.

Q: Do you have a problem with you ovaries?
A: No.

Q: Do you still have your ovaries?
A: No, I never had them.

A few minutes later……..In a very puzzled tone

Q: Did they ever tell you why you don’t have ovaries
A: No, because I’m a male to female transgender.

In a very stunned tone……
Reply : Oh, I never would have known!

Q: How long ago did you have the surgery?
A: I haven’t yet.

Q: How long have you been on hormones?
A: About a year and a half.

In a still very stunned tone
Reply: That’s amazing! I absolutely had no clue.

Then she asked if she could ask some personal questions, just for her own
knowledge. I gladly answered. But she certainly made my day and I
educated hers. But my history was a complete shock to her.

Damn it’s really working. I’m really, really passing. Even half dressed.

No Turning Back Now

Originally posted on April 18, 2007

No Turning Back Now

Current mood: scared

Well today I had my first annual physical since being Cynthia by name and
all, with my primary care physician of 15 years. And this ids my PCP, not
my endocrinologist. My PCP has nothing to do with my transition or
hormones.

Well any shred of male go or dignity is going to be literally squeezed out of
me. I was informed this morning that I’m being scheduled for my first
mammogram.

Guess there’s no looking back now. I just got them and now they want to
flatten them again.

Yikes!

Completely Unexpected Compliment

Originally posted on April 12, 2007

Completely Unexpected Compliment

Current mood: accomplished

Saturday, I went to my first Manchester Monarchs game of the season. I sat
two rows in front of my old season ticket seats that I had for five years, so I
could talk to the nice couple, Bill and Dennie that used to sit in front of me.

During the game, a guy who was on my one pitch softball team for three
years in the 1990’s and I who I see visiting at work on a regular basis, sat
one row in front of me. But Mike was usually three rows in front of me for
the five years I had season tickets. Saying hello to each other every game
was usual. Saturday I said “Hello” to Mike twice with no response in return.

Today at work, I was in the COO’s office, who has season tickets in the
same section I formally had and he knows Mike as well. He then told me
that at last nights game, Mike had to go ask Bill and Dennie if that was
John’s sister sitting in front of them on Saturday! He also had to call my
COO at work to confirm that, yes, that was me on Saturday.

I never saw that one coming. But it certainly makes this gurl incredibly
happy.

Life Is A Roller Coaster

Originally posted March 25, 2007

Life Is A Roller Coaster, It’s How You Choose To Enjoy It

Current mood : amused

About ten days ago, I was at work and two co-workers were in my office
talking to me. Another co-worker, Nancy came by and called them out of my
office. In clear earshot, she told them about going for drinks that Friday
(March 16) for a friend’s birthday celebration, I only laughed. I have no
problem with not being invited anymore. But get a clue, don’t call them out
of my office and tell them within my earshot.

This last Friday, March 23. I was in my office after ten minutes after I
normally would have left for the day. A co-worker, Kathy, who’s usually
extremely happy go lucky, popped her head into my office and said “Hey,
didn’t anybody tell you we were going to the Derryfield for drinks?” I
replied honestly, “No, no one told me.” Her expression dropped faster than a
hooker at a Shriner’s convention. She had let the cat out of the bag and in a
moment too late, realized it. I could only laugh. I felt much worse for her
than I did for myself. It’s my nature and I find it too funny.

Saturday night, I went out with the majority of the Mod Chick Mafia chicks
for diner and to a great bar in Keene. Had a blast and got to enjoy some great
times, with some of my newer friends. Friends, that accepted me. But during
one of the band’s sets, a total first happened. A guy came up to me and
asked me to dance. Yes, it was a totally straight bar. I was totally shocked,
totally flattered, but fortunately I was able to stammer out a polite “No thank
you”, while giving a good excuse why I couldn’t. It does show that the
money and time spent is really working on myself, even if I can’t see the day
to day changes. That was a first and definite high.

But that elation is coming to a crashing halt. Shortly I’m on my way to a
going away party for a girl, Lexy, that I work with a Newbury. When I first
started there seven years ago, she was one of the nicest people to me. She
was young, fun and full of zest. Over the years we talked and became a lot
closer. Not just co-workers but someone who had really become a good
close friend.

She had issues of her own and trusted me to talk to and vice versa. When I
was really down in the dumps last spring (2006) and was ready to quit
Newbury, feeling that after six years I had over stayed my welcome. Lexy
was the one who grabbed me, brushed me off and dealt with me through one
of the most embarrassing nights of my life. Despite being roughly fifteen
years my junior, Lexy is wise beyond her years and knew exactly the right
things to say. She even diagnosed my ‘problem’ as being the hormone
changes. And she was correct, I just didn’t see or understand it.

Yesterday was her last day at Newbury. Tonight is the going away party.
Next week she’s moving to Arizona. Alexis, I’ve only known you for about
one sixth of my life. But what a fun ride it was. And I thank you for every
moment of it.

And I’ll never play The Refused’s “The Shapes Of Punk To Come” without
a big warm smile inside, and wondering how you are doing. Thanks.

Monday, January 23, 2012

I Did It


Originally posted February 28, 2007

I DID IT

Current mood: ecstatic


Very, very, VERY few people knew I was going for this. I was very much afraid of rejection.

For once I’m not being a drama queen. Thankfully.

Remember the night I thought I was going into ‘exile’ because of what happened at the location of my cribbage league (just before Christmas)?

Well when I came back to my senses, my Irish self said no way am I going to lose. I’ve been wanting to help people anyways. I’ve been fortunate. I’ve gained, not lost friends. I kept my two jobs, plus my racing jobs.

I decided to pay it forward and actually do something about it. I talked to Anne Boedecker about where I could be of help to others. She gave me a lead. A group called Manchester Outright. This group helps 13 – 22 year old gay, lesbian, bi, transgender and questioning youth. Granted I know zero about gay/lesbian or bi, but how different could it be? I know the struggles.

I applied and had a vigorous background check, from called references to police records and a tough written interview.

Today at about 4:15, I got an e-mail welcoming me and telling me I’ve been approved to be facilitator for the group. Same night as my cribbage league. Was anyways.

Not a big deal to most. But if I can help one life, I’ll be ecstatic. If I can help two or more…….

Sometimes You Get Lucky (Racersbored)

Originally posted February 24, 2007

Sometimes You Get Lucky (Racersbored)

Current mood: relaxed

For months, friends tried to tell me to join the Racersbored. I checked it out and it was a decent site. Little did I realize that you had to join before you could actually see the best parts, the photos & the shout box.

I finally joined in late October and hit it off with the board owner immediately. He's a fellow Opie & Anthony fan.

In short time I made a lot of great new friends, some have turned into best friends, that I feel like I've known for years, not months. Over time, they've dealt awesome with my emotional roller coaster or as Nathan Kelly calls them, those "sappy chick hormones in my veins"

The below is just a small hightlight sampling of private messages I've received over the months. Some really good ones mistakenly got lost, so I'm posting this sampling here, so I have a back up record, just so they don't get lost. I'm hoping no one that's quoted minds my sharing these words.

Today I spent the day at a spa with six other chicks that I've gotten to know well over the past few months, aka" The Mod Chick Mafia" It's different group (putting it mildly), but an absolutely
wonderful group of incredible girls, who took me in. And for those that know me off of MySpace,
know there isn't a thing in the world I wouldn't do for my friends. Let me tell ya, I'd give my right arm that gang.

I've often said I have a lot of friends but my best friends are racers. The below is further proof of the family that exists among racers.



just gonna say for the record, that you gotta be a strong as nails person to do what your heart knows is right and be who you are....and i, for one(and the guy who runs this corner of the web) am behind ya100 percent. im not saying shit to anybody, and im sure thats the only way to be...
Nathan Kelly 10/25/06


hmm..how do i say this?
i think its good that you are involved with isma and nema cause they are mostly populated with
intelligent, not so close minded racers, unlike the average sat night streetstockathon..
im glad you are an o and a fan, so i dont have to worry too too much about being blunt...a cringe humor fan makes for an easier to talk to cynthia.
Nathan Kelly 10/25/06


I think you are who you are. Grant it when you were John you were wishing to be Cynthia, BUT your still the same person. Well at least I think you are. Why forget the past. You don't have to go back there but you don't have to change how you feel and think 100% now do you? I just think your an awesome person. Hell I could be totally off base on anything I've just said, besides you being awesome. But I just wanted to tell you that no matter what you say or feel, it doesn't change your personality or care for others.
Michelle Lavigne 11/12/06


im sure you figured that your local fav gin mill was "safe" but im sure that shit like that is bound to happen again, as people in New England arent exactly known for their tolerance. sad but true. you have proven to be SO strong, and itll get easier to deal with all that stuff.....well...with those damn sappy chick hormones in your veins i dunno..LOL JK.
Nathan Kelly 12/20/06


I cant wait to get to know you and I guess I can say the same about myself. This group of girls we have forming is going to be dangerous and I love it! LOL
Carrie Kelly 12/28/06


awh..... not sure that you would have NOT gone through with your re-birth... I mean it is something that you whole heartedly felt you needed to do to be the real you...... I mean I wouldn't have had an issue with trying to keep you John.... but as a friend, I would have made you go through with it..... so....13 months ago, would still have the same end results.... ctork is a HOT shit that is totally my sista!!!!
Linda Kimel 1/2/07


I loved that you had a good time and that you did come... cause i would have made monkey drive us to your house, or hunt you down and drag your ass to the party. None of this BS about not coming and not hanging with us. No getting out of it, you are US now. Deal with it. LOL You must have a note that is notarized with a good reason if you are skippin anything we are doing. LOL
Linda Kimel. 1/7/06


sending you hearts right back sista!!! And hoping that you get what you have been hoping for !!! You are one strong wonderful person who deserves lots of good !!!!
Gaily Doolittle 1/8/06


everyone has issues that we can't talk or be on here 24/7. dont' worry... the amber alert only goes out of you are MIA... not quiet. Thanks for letting us know that you know why you were "off" I didn't notice.... but that's cause I wasn't around at 8. Anytime you need to vent, talk, cry, laugh... you need to call one of us. It must be so hard to deal with all the hormones and shit that is going on..... one of us will give you what you need. We are just not just here for the good times.
Hang in there.... I lov ya... mcm lovs ya... and your support is neverending.
Linda Kimel 1/31/06

WOW 2006 (aka Thanks Friends)

Originally posted on January 1, 2007

WOW 2006 (aka Thanks Friends)

I was at a small, quiet gathering last night for New Years Eve. In the midst of conversation, the subject of last New Year's Eve came up. It was at that point I really began to think (I was sober too!), last year at New Year's I had zero clue of what would be really end up happening in 2006.
One year ago, I had just been a month into hormone replacement therapy. I'd had ZERO clue that bythis day 2007..........


A. My name would be legally changed.

B. I'd actually wear a skirt to my full time job and Newbury Comics.

C. I'd learn that most of my friends were better friends than I ever thought

D. I'd make a great bunch of awesome new friends. Thank you Mod Chick Mafia (racers),
Geezerteezers (music junkies), TS Haven House, and Howden Family. I owe and love you all.

E. That some old friends would actually become even better friends, especially from Newbury Comics. One year ago I never would have dreamed I'd be much soooooo much closer to Lexy, Laura, Corrine, Amy Athena, Jenn and Rebecca. I'm still ever thankful. The rest of the crew too. I owe you all. But I should have told my internal hell seven years ago!

F. That the racing community would find out about "Cynthia" and still want me around. I'm still in shock about all the people that knew Classic Weekend and I never even knew they had a clue.

G. That people at work would complain to me, that I was over dressing and if we lost the "casual attire" dress code because of me, I'd be in deep sh*t. Sounds funny, but it was stated to me several times.

In all seriousness, the above may not seem like much, but I swear the above all mean so much. And I honestly had no clue any of this would have happened. Not in a million years.

And the fact that my legal name change is a major, MAJOR positive step forward in my future, is all thanks to the above.

To steal a line left on my voice mail late last spring from Andrea Schoenfeld. She called and I got this confused sounding voice mail after she heard my 'old' away message in my mailbox, and exclaimed "Who's John????"

New Years Eve 2006, I never would have expected anything remotely close to the above. I'm almost afraid to see what NYE 2008 is going to bring!
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Sunday, January 22, 2012

Physical Violence

Originally posted December 19, 2006

Physical Violence

Current Mood: Scared

Tonight I was at a place where I've been a regular for nearly ten years, my cribbage league in Auburn,NH. Being so close to Christmas, the place was unusually packed. A lot of my friends started getting unusual, concerned looks towards the end of the night.

Tonight there were some drunken locals around and I guess I caught their eye. They were out to get the he/she. This is the first time I had a true threat of physically violence. Not directly, but my friends knew these people and their reputation. I was in trouble. My friends warned me that I was being watched and discussed.

As I left the front room, where we played cribbage, I felt the eyes of these rednecks gazing at me and clearly turning to discuss me with their cohorts. My friends assured me, I must get out of there.

I was escorted out to my car and I thank my friends for being there and the forewarning. Everything has been so positive until tonight. But I can honestly say, the bubble has been burst.


ADDENDUM ADDED 1/22/2012
I must thank Nathan Kelly, Carrie Kelly, Robert Gill, Bob Gangwer, Melinda Miller, DanArky, Laura Fox, Cynthia Kiernan, Samantha and Athena. They all picked me up, brushed me off, and kicked my butt into getting back into the game and not turning reclusive as I threatened to.

Kicked Back To Reality

Originally posted December 7, 2006

Kicked Back To Reality

Current Mood: Disappointed

Despite the incredible highs of the past week, as listed in my last blog, today was a swift kick to the reality bone.

One of my best friends, Mike, was home from upstate Maine for the first time since St. Patrick's Day weekend. He had things to do, but was meeting mutual friends for a quick adult beverage after they got out of work. Now these mutual friends are in my pools,and I've known for almost twenty years. We've traveled to places such as New Orleans and North Carolina together and more times than I could count to Bruins, Monarchs, Patriots, Celtics and Red Sox games together. These people used to invite me to everything.......until a a year ago, we were friends.

I wasn't going to go as I had other things to get done. But I wanted to see my best friend and quite honestly, I had a gut feeling I wasn't welcome to this public setting. As soon as I walked in, all eyes read “What's he/she/it doing here?”, except for the person I wanted to see.

As soon as my best friend left, I had half a beer to finish. I was sitting semi away from my old friends. At that point I wasn't invited over and wasn't even spoken to. Though I quite sure I was spoken about as soon as I left.

In the past when leaving, I was usually asked to stay for one more. Today this wasn't the case. They couldn't ditch “it” fast enough.

Thanks friends. Have a great holiday season. You may have won on the short term, but this stubborn Irish bitch doesn't lose.


ADDENDUM ADDED 1/22/2012
Strange enough, the majority at this gathering, turned a page and accepted me back in time. But it was my supposed 'liberal' best friend that eventually turned his back on me completely. Twenty years pissed away.

Prequel Part Three

It was about that time (April 2006) that Amy Metcalf felt she had taken me as far as she could. She, on her own time met with someone who had more experience in the field, Anne Boedecker. For a short time I was seeing both but eventually moved on to Anne Boedecker exclusively.

Anne also had a support group, which I attended. And my first night there I walked away with more information than I ever imagined. But as I told them my biggest fear was coming out in a male dominated place like my employer. I got a few chuckles and found out one of the girls there was a quality control manager at a metal shop, one worked at a naval shipyard and another was the head engineer at a nuclear power plant. And I was worried about a printing company?

But things were changing faster than I imagined. My chest was showing signs, facial features changing shape, skin softening. Plus I started having laser work done of my face, growing my hair longer and wearing light make up.

Slowly word started getting out and my friend Sue convinced me that we needed to at least tell the general manager of the company, Mark, whom was a mutual friend, of my upcoming changes. We went to T.G.I.F. one late April Thursday evening. Mark knew we had something to tell him but the guessing was bugging him since we made the date. Sue and I wouldn't budge a detail. Needless to say he was very surprised and seeing we had been very close friends for years, it complete caught him off guard, but I had his full support. In fact after we left the restaurant, as soon as I walked in my door, the phone was ringing. It was Mark. He was calling to reassure me that he was proud of me of doing what I needed to do to survive. He would also be there to help tell the president and owner of the company. But he did suggest that I not wait very long. Especially since my company is extremely conservative.

The following Tuesday, the president was in and in a really good mood, so Mark assured me today would be a great time to strike. I had already produced a five page letter to present to him Mark and the head of human resources. The transitioning letter was based upon a copy of a letter I had received from a girl I had first and only met once at Anne's support group. It talked about what I needed from the company and what in return I was going to do for the company. Many transitioning people get selfish and want, need, want etc. You also have to give, you can't just take.

The president read the letter in my presence, stopping to ask questions along the way. He was shocked but was willing to work with me and was glad to see I was willing to work with him. He stated the he would set up special rules, whereas I halted him immediately. Claiming I don't want special rules, I just wanted to be treated like everyone else, nothing 'special'. Having special rules could only lead to resentment and problems. He thanked me and said I just made his job easier.

Knowing my history of off-the-cuff humor and sarcasm, he said I should expect some razing. I told him I fully expected it and would feel as if I was treated different then before, if I didn't some good nature teasing. But he also assured me that if anything crossed a line, he wanted to know immediately. But I had his full support.

The next day, the president called Mark into his office to discuss my situation. In that meeting, I later found out, Mark was distinctly told if anyone crossed a line and I got any harassment or threats and the president didn't find out immediately, Mark would be held personally responsible.

Now that I had support of close friends, and work it was time to start moving towards letting the rest of the world know. But knowing I wasn't going to lose my job of my transittioning, was one major weight off my shoulders.

Anne had often warned me to slow down, I was moving too quick. I'm going to get burned. Which is quite common and to this day I try to warn others to take baby steps. Some listen. Some don't.

But in my late July appointment, after a day of complete breakdown (see "I Don't Think I Can Make It") and the enthusiasm I gained after the incident at Margaritas (see "The Ladies At Margaritas") I told Anne, I wanted to make a date to go 'full time", as you have to live at least one full year before being eligible for surgery. I thought eleven months, my next birthday in June 2007. Anne shocked me with her reply. of "Why so far? You're perfectly ready now." This coming from the person constantly warning me to slow down.

I was enthralled to say the least, and we decided for Halloween 2006. One, it's obvious timing, but the bigger reason was racing season would be over. I wouldn't have to worry about the name change or any other confusion. Until the Waterford Speedbowl rained out and the rain date was moved to early November.

In between, I had heard people talk about Racersbored and seen the name on many race cars, especially modifieds. I finally took a look at the message board and ended up signing up. Little did I realize that some very key friends would be made that not only took me in, got me through highs and the terrors, of the next few years. But most importantly, remain solid friends to this day and I can not imagine life today without them. Too many to mention all by name but they know who they are. But over time a group of ten girls (including myself) and a half chick (honorary member), would create a special bonded group, the "Mod Chick Mafia"

I had set up my retirement from NEMA due to the life change that was coming. But after the make up November race, Steve Grant, Deb Marvuglio and Mike Scrivani took me out for dinner and assured me they wanted me back in 2007. No matter who I was becoming or changing my name to, they felt I was one of the best race directors in New England and they didn't want to lose me. With the support from those three, Nokie Fornoro and Peter Falconi, I was locked in. I would return for the 2007 season. Against my better judgment and the warnings of racing friends "in the know" to just get out and live my life away from a race track. At a 'coming out' dinner in Portsmouth, Bill Quirk wisely told me "You've done everything you wanted to do in racing. Get out." Foolishly I ignored his request.

Once I went full time, I could show zero signs of going back to "John" or my eligibility time-line would need to start over. With the upcoming Modified Racing Series banquet coming, I thought I could revert back to "John" for a day. But was forewarned not to by not only Anne Boedecker, but peer pressured by two increasingly close friends, and MCM members Linda Kimel and Michelle Lavigne. (See Bizarre Few Days). I did it. I survived the banquet. a huge first step.