Tuesday, July 17, 2012

I'm Moving Through Some Changes

I'm not even sure where to start this one. This is one I honestly never thought I'd write. Nor even have to.

My good friend Nicole and I have had several debates about this over the years, but much more often the past few weeks. The subject came roaring back to life in May, when I finally had that break through orgasm. My first as a female. It had been a long four plus year drought.

Nicole seems to think I was destined for this to happen. I completely disagree. She insists I've been denying it to myself. I just don't see that being true, honestly. I have no reason to lie about it, to her, to me, to anyone.

But in May when I realized I had started to slump physically and mentally and made the proper corrections to get myself out of it. It worked like a charm. All I did was get back to the feminine ways, I had longed decades for. Dressing better (dresses, skirts, heels), getting back to wearing makeup and other minor changes others wouldn't see. I also came off a natural high with a very successful two hours taking over Traci Belanger's Human Sexuality class at Southern New Hampshire University, despite stressing myself out the entire morning and afternoon prior.

But in the days that followed, I found key parts of my body coming alive but I honestly never thought much about it. But as I briefly alluded to in "Miracles Can Happen", without giving any details, strange thoughts started entering my mind. Certainly not dangerous or bad ones, just ones that were highly unusual for me to think about. Ever.

I was dressing better. I was feeling much better. I was acting much better. The slump was gone simply by reclaiming my femininity and stopped being lazy. And now my body was reacting in concert with the rest of the above.

I'm really not sure if it was the chicken or the egg syndrome. Was it the thoughts that brought me to climax or was it the climax that brought the thoughts? I honestly don't know. I just know it worked. In a major way. And has many, many times since. And I can't blame Nicole for putting thoughts in my head because they came all on their own. Admittedly scaring even me.

The thoughts have not been acted upon, nor had they ever before in my forty eight years. But Nicole, whom is correct too often for her own good (or mine) thinks it was inevitable. It was a natural progression despite my protests and verbal objections. She said "Look at you" referring to the above listed changes and what it had done for me in no time what so ever. She reminded me that I was bearing the entire package now and it was time to move forward and accept that the past was gone and not coming back.

In all of my five talks at SNHU, when asked about dating, I always referred to that in my past I had a wide arrangement of potential women to date. Since I became a "self-made lesbian", I reduced the pool down about 90%. Since I'm post op trans, I reduced that remaining 10% down yet another 90%. Slim pickings that have been and that will probably continue to be a long while for finding that long-term (or even short term) lesbian relationship. Which is precisely where my long term relationship goals reside. Nicole staunchly disagrees.

She feels I'm no longer equipped to please a woman but I'm now better suited for a heterosexual relationship. Again, we've had this debate for years. She forecast a change in my thought patterns long ago. I'm still denying them. But she is correct and to an extent so are the Montreal Four (Linda, Gaily, Carrie & Michelle), when they remind me that I did all of this hard work and spent a ton of money to make myself happy (and thereby literally saving my life), now it's time to use and enjoy the efforts to its fullest extent.

But I have to admit, the hormones have really started taking a new hold on my thought process. It obviously worked to end a four plus year drought of orgasm. Though the thoughts of romance or even kissing a male remain a complete turn off. That I can't deny. The thoughts of being sexual, especially bottoming to a male have become quite arousing both mentally and physically. That I also can't deny.

And this is all new to me, honestly and will absolutely come to a shock to all that know me. Unless they, like Nicole, saw something that I completely did not. These thoughts have not been acted upon as of this writing. But I sincerely would be lying to myself, if I said they won't be acted upon. Soon.

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