Sunday, May 27, 2012

Miracles Can Happen

This blog will probably feature TMI, so you may want to turn back now. You've been warned

The year started off worse than expected, not only for me but others I've spoken with as well. I spent the first quarter with health issues (non-threatening), family health issues (threatening) and fiscals issues (always threatening, LOL)

I have not mentioned it often other than to close friends, but after my gender reassignment surgery (GRS), I was in pain for a long, long time after. Unusual pain. Nobody else I knew or even read about had that same issues. Anything on my waist hurt, pants, especially jeans, hurt, lifting anything over five pounds hurt. I went through CT scans, MRI's and a colonoscopy but in 2010 my doctor sent me back to Dr Brassard in Montreal. After after few questions, like had I had an orgasm yet (no) , and he diagnosed my problem, Neuroma. My nerves had grown 'wild' and not as they should. Very common with amputations, hysterectomies and the such. Very rare with GRS. so rare I couldn't find any info on the web about GRS and neuroma. But as soon as Dr Brassard touch the key pain spots, we both knew instantly he was spot on with his diagnosis.

I was going to need to see a pain specialist and probably a neurologist to get the pain down and nerves properly retrained. Dr Brassard said with nerve pain, even Oxycodin wouldn't touch my pain. I assure you at times it was crippling. It also killed any or all sexual desires, plus the key spot was a dead zone. A one in a million shot.  I can't hit Powerball but I can hit the unlucky lottery.

After a couple of nerve blocks in a sensitive area of the abdomen, I would be improved for a few months, until I returned for another round of the same painful shots. I also believe it was killing the nerves to my clitoris.

In early May this year I spent the first weekend in bad pain again. I had stopped seeing the pain management doctor, but I knew it was time to go back. My doctor at my annual physical two days later agreed. He also wondered something I had as well, could a nerve have become trapped in scar tissue. He asked my to contact Dr Brassard in Montreal to see if he any any experience with such. They say neuroma surgery can make neuroma problems worse, not better. My doctor thought and I fully agreed, it was worth the risk. I could not live with the pain.

I booked an appointment with the pain management doctor for May 25. I wrote to Dr Brassard that evening and within a half hour, they wrote back inquiring if I could come up to Montreal to see Dr Brassard. I now had an appointment for June 1. Later I realized that was kind of dumb seeing if I have the pain shots first, I wouldn't feel anything Dr Brassard touched.

But on the Sunday of that painful weekend, I was out shopping when I realized how down mentally I was becoming again (see blog "Back To Basics") I needed to get back to my happy place and that usually was when I was maintaining my more comfortable feminine dress and "priss" appearance according to friends Michelle Lavigne and Linda Kimel. I should have known, because all of my life, that's when I was my most secure, most confident and most on a natural high.

The day I spoke at Southern New Hampshire University was the first time I wore a dress to work in nearly two years. I felt great and the honest compliments were non-stop. I felt human again. The speaking engagement went better than I feared and I latter got stellar compliments from the students. Again that made me truly happy.

The next day, I kept up my improved appearance and continued on for the days that followed. Mentally I was feeling like I was back at my peak again.I also noticed my pain stopped. No meds. No shots. I was physically feeling like I did presurgery. Only happier.

Due to my mom's health issue and the concern mentioned above, I cancelled my trip to Dr Brassard's and Montreal. I love going to Montreal, but I felt this trip was a completely unneeded, fiscally and physically. But I was also getting strange feelings "down there", good feelings. I almost was getting nervous because I was unsure what was going on. But mentally I was feeling awesome, looking better in my appearance, the nerve pain without any reason was gone and suddenly sexual feelings were entering my life for the first time since I had started  hormones in November 2005. But I will admit, at first I was not even aware that the throbbing and blood rush was a sexual feeling

Tuesday May 22, thoughts were entering my mind that had never occurred to me, not at least from this angle. Ever. And my crotch was alive. Like never before alive. What the heck was going on with me, I wondered. I finally tried to go to sleep, but due to humidity outside it was difficult to get to sleep and quite honestly, the humidity in my crotch and soul was no help either. Finally, before I internally combust, I said I have to try again, fully knowing I would end up in disappointment, but something was going on and I had nothing to lose. Unbelievably, it worked, To a charm. IT WORKED. OH MY GAWD, IT WORKED!

Without warning, my neuroma was gone, my sexual being was alive and my mind was finally 100% connected with my body. 52 months later it all connected. Granted the thoughts that got me there.....kinda shocked me. I believe they'll even shock my closest friends, but they certainly shocked me. Confused me even more. I discussed them the next day with one of my closest friends, Nicole. And she said she thought it was only natural and she expected it, even if I continuously denied any thoughts. She wasn't surprised in the slightest. I was never lying but I admit I'm shocked, but there had to be some merit, because these thoughts truly worked.

Of course over the week, I've had to maintain the practice because I needed to make sure it wasn't a fluke (it wasn't) and Dr Brassard did say that the nerves needed to be retrained and since they were finally corrected, I need to make sure they maintained their current training. Of course. I cancelled the pain management appointment. There was NO way I was losing any sensation to the nerves any time soon.

Yesterday at Star Speedway I attempted something that for the past four years would have left me doubled over in nerve pain for days. I carried two tires that were already mounted on wheels, at the same time, one per hand. I made it probably 30 yards before I had to drop them. Not due to nerve or abdominal pain, but because the rims were cutting into my now softer hands. Twenty four hours later.....still no after effects of carrying that weight, that long.

As far as as the abnormal thinking......doubt it'll ever be acted upon, but there certainly is something to having a female mind and body in sync. As Linda & Michelle told me repeatedly four years ago, you paid and suffered for this have to at least try using it properly.......................Seven days ago, I would have fully

Yes, I believe in miracles.

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