Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Joys Of Self Doubt

Originally posted on January 25, 2009


The Joys Of Self Doubt (a brief interuption)

Current mood: sad

Over the past few days, some have wondered why I'm revisiting a year ago. Basically it's because things were written hurriedly, under stress, or under the pain meds. A lot of people reading this, I didn't know one year ago. Plus this is my diary journal. The "Original Cyn" gave me plenty of journals as did a co-worker my last day at work. But my hand writing is atrocious and quite honestly, I'm too lazy to hand write it.


I won't be retracing any footsteps in 2010, 2011 etc. Maybe in five on ten years. Maybe. But this is merely a diary for me, one year later, what is still clear. Because, I know in time the faces, the fears, the stress, the conversations, the memories and emotions will fade. This is my last chance to rescue them.


I was unexpectedly overwhelmed by the emotional toll I took by reliving the memories of January 23. The Deja Vu was not a pleasant one and made me a mental basket case all of Friday afternoon and evening. I had to step away for a bit and knowing I was going out with friends Saturday night, I couldn't post January 24 on January 24. Or I'd have been miserable Saturday night too.


I chose to open these up to help others following in my foot steps, good or bad. Plus it helps to let others know they are not alone. I have shared the good and the bad, trying not to sugar coat anything but I recently skimmed over the bad.


As Karyn rightfully pointed out in a comment to a recent blog that she was 'happy' to see that I too suffered from self doubt on occasion. This was based upon a conversation in an e-mail and not shared via my blog because I was afraid it could offend someone if they took my words without facial expressions or vocal intonations, completely out of context.


Trust me, there hasn't been a single mirror I've passed in years, that hasn't made me want to find a wood chipper to throw myself into.

But recently I was able to spend some time at a place that was loaded with pre-op, post-op transgendered, and a heavy amount of crossdrssers. I was able spend some time just watching people, a favorite hobby of mine, especially in an airport.


I met some Female To Males and Male to Females, that had I not been told of their past, I never would have known or guesed. I met quite few that were just naturally beautiful and I met quite a few that had thousands of dollars of feminizing facial surgery. I'll never, ever be able to compete with them, though this certain is not a competition. But they are absolutely gorgeous.


I witnessed some people that were obviously over the top crossdressers, no "normal" genetic female or tg would wear a skirt two inches below the pubic bone in eight degree January weather! LOL. Also witnessed many that would have fit well on Jery Springer and such. But hey, this was a safe haven, if they want to let their 'freak flag fly' there's no safer place to do it.
I also saw quite a few that did not age gracefully. I'm not sure what their status was, but I could read them miles away.


In watching all of this, I internally became concerned. Was this what I look like? Is this what people were thinking I became or was going to become? Am I too going to be so outted when I'm in my late 50's or 60's? Do I look like I should be in a Devine or John Waters movie?


Panic struck me. Self doubt had just completely taken over every square inch of my body. I had to stop doing this. I became very concerned and very afraid. I had to to STOP. NOW. I couldn't do this to myself. I HAD to go back to being John. No more Cynthia. No more anything of the sort.


But within a short period, I realized, it's too late. There's no going back. But I was completely 100% overtaken by self doubt for a few moments of true internal panic. It certainly rattled my cage for a few days afterwards.


Granted I'm not going back, I couldn't go back. I couldn't survive if I had to go back.


But if anyone should think that surgery is the "end all" or the solution. It's not. Self doubt can strike you when you least at expect it. It hit me hard enough to forget that I had even had surgery. Self doubt can certainly knock any one at any time.
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The View From MySpace

yn,

You look great and have nothing to worry about. Sometimes aging gracefully had little to do with the lines on our face and more to do with becoming a better human being. One of the beauties of transitioning is that we get to finally care more about people openly because we have nothing to hide. I honestly believe this is part of what we see ass wisdom in older folk. They just see life for what it truly is, something you rarely have at the age or 20 or 25.


I, like you walk by mirrors and see all my inadequacies and yet, you say I look great. When I feel like I'm messy you tell me I always look put together. It simply proves we are more self critical of ourselves than other people are of us. We are never good enough in our own eyes.


How incredibly female does that sound .. lol

While passing is a big deal to all of us you have something that I wish I had the ability to learn. To simply be and not worry about what others think. It is a quality that I look up to in you and hope to attain someday.


Add up all the numbers and the sum of the parts is what tells the story.


You look great
You have a heart that matches your beauty
You care about people more than yourself
You have a great sense of humor
you have a greater sense of being.


you are the total package .... someday I hope to be 1/2 as together as you are. Until then I'll watch and learn ..

Karyn
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Karyn already said what I wanted to, and so eloquently. We ALL have our moments (hours, weeks, months, years) of self doubt, regardless of how we came to be who we are today. I look in the mirror and see the bags, the lines, the rolls, the ponchy belly and wonder how anyone else can even stand to look at me sometimes. No, I haven't had the experience that you or others have had, but I hear that evil inner voice telling me how gross I am all the time. I've gotten better at disregarding it than I used to be, but it's still there.


You are beautiful. Your journey has only made you more so. Your strength, compassion and kindness are so much more attractive than any boob job, facial surgery or tummy tuck could ever make anyone. Don't tell me you've never met a person who's extreme outer beauty was completely eradicated by the fact he or she is a horribly ugly person inside. External beauty is only as good as the beauty of one's soul. And you, my dear, are a knock-out.
:)

Lola

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