January 28 - From Now On, MY Day
Current mood: drained
Monday January 28, 2008 was a big day in my life. I knew the first anniversary would be tough, so I planned on doing something special, for me. Like a trip to the beach/coast or up to the Woodstock Inn. But any plans were nixed with an ice and snow storm.
I never figured the second anniversary would be tough. Not at all. I've never been more wrong in my life.
Wednesday night I could feel more of an edge coming on. Granted since Sunday, my stomach, mind and emotions were all butterflies, but Wednesday sincere realization was kicking in. I watched the multi-media presentation that Corey Perrine had done for the Nashua Telegraph. Seeing the people and places, plus hearing the voices brought a tidal wave of emotion like never before. Why hadn't I taken Thursday off from work? Why had I not made a trip to Montreal?
Thursday, January 28, 2010, I woke feeling like vomiting. Why, I don't honestly know. I had no physical reason to, but I was certain it was going to happen. It didn't. I fought physical ailment and tears and dragged myself to work. No matter what, I was ready for a complete breakdown.
Upon opening my work e-mail, sent with the best of intentions were birthday wishes from Diane, Gail, Linda & Michelle. Unfortunately this was not the joyous day it should have been. I was a complete wreck. Later, wishes from Karyn arrived. Karyn is probably the only person I know that could relate to my poor state of mind. Though she hasn't experienced what I have, she probably understands me the best. She made it possible for me to get through the day. The physical ailments subsided as the day went on, the emotional ones did not.
I struggled through the work day. Coming home, I knew I was supposed to be at the animal shelter that evening, but there was no way I could face anyone. Not even the cats I love so much.
Mid-afternoon, I found out that one person that I had become friends with was leaving the area for new employment. This person was also very key in my surviving that first weekend in Montreal. Corey. This was not the type of news I needed. Not today. Any other day, fine. But not today.
Upon arriving home, I found the leftover Demerol from surgery and quickly took one. I need to numb myself from this day. I wish I had seen it coming and headed it off, but I didn't and I lost the game.Once the numbing sensation kicked in, I found myself in bed earlier than ever.
Granted I'm the only one I know that experiences this let down. But I've been fortunate enough to escape the post-op depression, except for this one week and especially on January 28. Of course, I'm known to keep my emotions to wrapped up internally, so maybe letting the pressure out one day a year isn't a bad thing.
But I know one thing, January 28, 2011 is on a Friday. It's going to be my day. I'm taking the long weekend and who knows, maybe I'll head to Montreal. I'll beat this some day. But until then, any other day will be take it as it comes but January 28, I need to be my day