Saturday, February 11, 2012

Week Six

Originally posted March 12, 2008

Week Six

Current mood: contemplative

First, I have to laugh at all of the "take it easy"comments after the last blog. I guess my reputation will never change, no matter what form I’m in.

You have to remember, I always had to pack at lot in. From my teens to my late 30’s I had zero intentions of being past 40. Thanks to words like ’realization’, ’acceptance’ and ’estrogen’ replacing words like ’depression’. ’repression’ and ’suicide’, the last three years have been a welcome bonus. I still want to burn the candle at both ends. Just now, I can do it with a smile.

Beth Adams Racing Fundraiser, my first "public appearance"

Sunday was a good news/bad news type day. Good news was, I could go from four dilations per day to three per day (for two months). Bad news was, of the set of five dilators, the first five weeks were with the three of smallest diameter. Now I have to increase to the three of medium diameter. The newest one has more girth than I ever had on my best day.

Knowing my paper work for my legal changes was due any day, I figured I get ahead of the game and e-mail the State of NH Vital Records Dept. to find the information for where I need to file for my birth certificate change. I probably just need a three word reply like "Hillsborough Superior Court". But being typical state workers (sorry Judi) three business days later, still no reply.

Monday I returned to work for the first of two weeks of 1/2 days. Mentally it was great to get back and has been a huge lift to my morale. I am fortunate that my job does entail a small bit of walking around, because within twenty minutes of being in my chair, I was quite uncomfortable. I’ve tried various things like different pillow and donut combinations, but sitting for extended periods is still painful.

It was great to see co-workers and that my office was intact., free of pilfering pens, pencils etc. But chatting with a friend Monday night, she had some questions about my disability paperwork, which I had never read since Dr Brassard’s office had filled out and faxed. As I looked up the info for Andrea, I discovered I wasn’t supposed to go back until March 19. Ooopps.

Tuesday was another 1/2 day at work, followed by a hair/nail appointment. Well adding those two extra hours of mostly sitting was a huge mistake. It not only painfully irritated my surgical area, but it knocked me into a new league of mental fatigue. Never having any form of surgery before, I’m amazed just how much it really knocks your stamina. To think, I thought with surgery January 28, I’d have been ready for a potential two-day show with NEMA at the end of March.

The book I had ordered from B & N finally arrived, "Right Side Out" by Annah Moore (of Discovery Health Channel’s seXchange:Him To Her fame). I’ve intensely been reading and rereading the same early chapters. Change the names and locations, and I swear I’m reading my own life story. A lot of good memories came back, but many more thoughts and feelings I had repressed and had successfully forgotten about are rushing back. It really was hell back then, and it’s probably a great refresher course for me to be reminded these times existed and are forever locked in the past.

I would never ever want to go back to those days for anything in the world. But thankfully those reminders are now fresh in my mind. Because it’ll help me get back to my roots, in trying to help others. Especially any one in those ackward puberty/high school years. It’s painful reliving them now. At 40+ three bonus years.

I completely understand how you feel about the past that you had successfully forgotten and a lot of the feelings from younger days. If you ever feel comfortable talking about them I would be interested in knowing what it was like for you. I had a horrible time with puberty and high school and I've been having to revisit that a lot as part of my self-rediscovery. I managed to repress a lot of feelings and as a consequence it made me pretty much dead. In a way I can see why my mother has been fine with my transition thus far: her child is starting to smile again after so many years of almost never smiling.

I wish you well with the paperwork and getting back into the swing of things at work!


So does this mean you are out of work until the 19th Hmm??? As far as the State goes I find a phone call yields a much faster responce. I get phone calls like this all the time and have to connect them to the correct department. Again you body has been through a lot. Give it time to heal and to catch up to you in your transition.


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