Sunday, February 19, 2012

Post Op Depression

Originally posted on October 14, 2008

Post Op Depression

Current mood: blah

To steal a subject from Karyn, I must admit a lot of people have asked if I regret any of the past. I have been known to say I wish I had the courage and strength to make the change twenty years ago. But after I did the Montreal radio interview, my friend Jim from Oswego wrote to me and drove home a great point. He said "I'm glad you waited because had you not, we
never would have met" And he was right.


I probably would never have worked at Lee USA Speedway, which led to ISMA, Oswego Speedway and NEMA. I probably wouldn't know any of my racing friends. I probably wouldn't have met some of the fine folks at Newbury Comicseither. That list could go on and on. Some of those people became better friends than when we had first met. But the people are the main reason why I could never have gone stealth.


Do I wish I had made the change sooner? Without a doubt. But if it meant giving up the people I now know, I'm glad things went as they did.


As the weather is turning to fall, I'm truly finding everywhere I turn, reminders of a year ago this time coming to the forefront of my mind. Last year was so hectic with appointments, shopping for Montreal, when I got back from Montreal, other necessary preparations and just the general excitement of a new future. It very much brings me down that I wasn't able to truly
appreciate those times. As nervous as I was, it was in hindsight quite mentally stimulating, but nerve wracking time. I'm finding myself depressed missing those times very much. And last Monday, I finally realized that I was falling into the typical 'post-op depression'.


No, I have no regrets, but I certainly miss having my mind so occupied and that I've fallen into the boring 'same ole' routine that I had years ago. I was fully aware that I was missing those times. I just wasn't aware that it was in all actuality depressing me.
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The View From MySpace

It is hard sometimes getting caught in between what we have and what we missed. I look back on all the experiences that I would never have and sometimes wonder "what if". But now there are too many precious things that have given my life richness for that "what if".

When I look back on just a few short years ago the "richness" I'd gained didn't mean to me what it does today. That is to say I was living for them instead of being able to enjoy what I gained for myself. This changes has given me that perspective and in some respects without being on both sides, I doubt I would be able to comprehend that.

With that said I can certainly say without my change and yours, we probably would have never met. We can always look backwards fondly but it is much more exciting to look to the future.

Karyn
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I'm glad you waited, too, but I understand completely how you feel. I often feel the same myself: if only I had told my parents when I was younger how I felt. And in a way I'm also glad I waited, because I'm not sure my parents would have been as accepting back then.

Jamie
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Glad you're not a man anymore...Now you are a woman who can reason and understand and well....just plain get it. Men can't, don't and never will....glad you came over to our way of thinking.....

Kristina S.

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