Tuesday, February 14, 2012

I Try To Be Strong But Sometimes I Fail Myself (Friday Pt. 2)

Originally posted on April 27, 2008

I Try Hard To Be Strong, But Sometimes I Fail Myself

Current mood: bummed

After my appointment and a chat with Dr Brassard, I went back to the residence. I asked Anne if
anyone was in Room 206. Fortunately, there wasn't. I asked if I could go up and she "Of course, it was your room"

In My Room

There's a world where I can go and tell my secrets to
In my room, in my room
In this world I lock out all my worries and my fears
In my room, in my room
Do my dreaming and my scheming
Lie awake and pray
Do my crying and my sighing
Laugh at yesterday
Now it's dark and I'm alone
But I won't be afraid
In My Room

I then mustered up my slowly weakening strength and said goodbye to Anne. She has a great friendly and warm smile, that makes me happy everytime I see it. Leaving her again, hurt almost as bad as it did back in February. She's a huge inspiration to me.

I brought Andy back to his office in downtown Montreal. There was no sense on him taking public transportation and it gave me an excuse to go into the city. I was able to see some new sights but after I left Andy, I had no clue where I was, where I was going and the traffic was horrendous. Those three things never would have bothered John, but completely freaked Cynthia out.

But Andy did give me some great insight. When I was in Montreal for my stay, I talked about how great the health care was in Canada compared to the U.S., but he informed me that I was in a private clinic, that I paid for. Totally different deal. He also let me know I was misinformed, I thought the Canadian health care system paid for gender reassigment surgery. It turns out, the health care has different coverage in different provinces. It is only covered in British Columbia and Alberta, and the patients there are flown to Dr Brassard's.

I never saw the places I wanted to see, and headed straight back to my hotel. I needed to get my second dilation in and knowing my schedule wouldn't be proper on Saturday, I wasn't going to break the recommendation two days in a row. Plus I wanted to change and be more casual for dinner.

I cleaned up and headed back to residence. As I arrived, two out the patients were sitting out on the patio enjoying sun and fresh air. I wish I could have done that when I was here for two weeks. We had a nice chat and I was able to give more suggestions and recommendations. All of which were warmly received. I was also able to talk with Mario, the FtM and learn some first hand FtM information from him.

Also outside was the young girl from North Carolina. Her mother came out to join us. Her father was there Sunday through Friday. Her mother, Sunday through Sunday. That's just awesome. I'm very proud of her parents for being there for Jenn. Never would have happened for me.

We went in for dinner and I got to meet the new nurse, whom replaced Julie, and saw Alain again. He denies being a flirt, but every girl who has stayed there knows differently. He's a great person, who loves his job and is awesome at it. He leaves a lasting impression with all. His humor helps too.

Dinner was nice, getting to see the three patients. Immediately recognizing the angled, painful sitting, not having much of an appetite, and difficulties eating. Yes I know those postures all too well. But I was able to help all of them with different tasks. And it was all worth every minute of it. Especially when Jenn was in pain sitting. I told her, "I know this sounds impractical, just try this." And gave her instructions. She struggled but did what I told her. Immediately her face lit up like a Christmas tree and she said "Oh my God, thank you. That's so much better." My heart warmed right up.

After dinner every one retreated to the horizontal heaven in their rooms. I had a nice chat with Joanna and Alain in the kitchen, then I went to the sitting room. This is were I was after dinner my first night ever in Montreal. Only then it was pitch dark outside. But it's also where I forced myself to go that first night, January 24, after a break down in my room, and where I got to know Wendy and Clarissa.

The same butterfly books were on the coffee table, as was the journal book. In this book, patients write a message before they leave. I found the pages from my era and read the comments of the people that were there when I was.Some I've kept in touch with, Wendy, Clarissa and Sonja. But others I've lost touch with. It didn't seem important then. It does now. I'd love to just say hello, once more.

I then read my tearfully written page. It brought me right back to that day. The 50/50 split of being extremely happy but yet extremely depressed about leaving such a wonderful place, with such incredible people. And my eyes starting welling up and the fun was over. I was now an emotional wreck. the flood gates opened. A lot of people talk about my courage and strength, but I certainly have my frailties and here they were front and present.

Fortunately I was able to gain my composure before being joined in this wondrous sitting room. But Jenn's mom, Joanna and Alain came in and we had a great talk for about an hour. Alain brought out aphoto album of the former patients at the residence. Seeing everyone again, had me break up inside.Seeing photos of myself, that I forgot were taken was great. It's nice to know a piece me will always be there, in he journal and in the photo album. But seeing those folks that were there with me was heartwarming. But it brought me right back.

As it was getting dark, it was time to go. I brought Jenn's mom to her hotel in downtown Montreal, saving her a substantial taxi fare and it gave me a chance to see Montreal at night.
I headed back to the hotel for my last dilation and a good nights rest. I'd be heading back to the States in the morning. My stay entirely too short. In don't want to go home. I want to stay here and help the people here and the new patients coming.

But I had to face reality. Plus I was already an emotional yo-yo. Tomorrow's good byes are going to be hell.

The View From MySpace

Cynthia, you are a beautiful person for all that you've been doing. I know that unselfishly giving of yourself can be an often verbally thankless task. However, what I've come to learn in my years of home care nursing is that even though giving to others in need--either emotionally or physically-- can be very draining and usually comes with little or no reward from the receiving parties, it is the reward that YOU get from helping others that is worth all the sacrifice and tears.


Well Melinda,
You said it all about Cynthia. Not sure I could add anymore.

Love you
Andrea S.

You are too awesome! So great of you to take your time to drive back up there and see the others and offer your help, thoughts and tips. Your a great person an I am very proud to have you as my friend! HUGS!!


Never, ever a failure. Always a hero. You have my admiration, respect and love.


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