Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Goodbye To Montreal, Again

Originally posted on May 4, 2008

Goodbye To Montreal, Again

Current mood: bummed

Back on February 7, when I returned from Montreal, it was the coldest day of the weeks I had been there. The last nurse I said goodbye to, was Carole. I woke up in Montreal on April 26 to return home and it was easily 20-25 degrees cooler than it was the previous two days I was there. I went to the convalescent house to say my goodbyes. Last nurse I saw....Carole.


I arrived at the convalescent house a bit later than I had expected and the three patients plus the two employees on duty were all upstairs. While waiting I sat in the sitting room, admiring it and it's views one last time. Hard to believe this was my home just a few weeks ago. Sometimes it seems like years ago, sometimes it seems like yesterday. All I knew was, I didn't want to leave again.


I read the journal again and like the night before, when I read my words, the tears flowed. Only much heavier this time. The emotions of Jan/Feb came crashing back like a tidal wave. I was supposed to be here for a happy visit. Why was I so damn depressed? I walked the porch and in the kitchen. I found myself walking the same path I did post surgery, doing the "Montreal Shuffle" only fully dressed this time. I even found my arms in the same position and my thought pattern, exactly as they were 12 weeks ago.


I got to see one patient before leaving and had a nice talk with Nurse Carole. She even made me a copy of the words I wrote in the journal, so now I'll always have them with me, too. But it was getting close to lunch, so things were going to get busy, it was time for me to go. Plus I had a commitment (Monadnock) back in the States, I was already late for. I never got to say goodbye the Jenn, the girl from NC. Not sure if that's good or bad. But the tears flowed as I said goodbye to Carole.


When I was a patient one of the nurses was teaching the new nurse, Francine, not to get too attached to the patients because they come and go. Some you will hear from, some will never be seen or heard from again.I wish some one had taught me not to get too attached to the staff.


I headed for home, the trip was much faster than in February, not having to deal with snow and much less discomfort this time. But the rain was brutal. Not rain outside, but this time inside the car and was pouring down my cheeks. I did not want to return home. It was bad enough that I had to stop at the duty-free store to gain my composure before getting to the border check point.


Despite the depressing ride and 100% not wanting to be there, I finally arrived at Monadnock Speedway (just south of Keene). I knew I'd see some of the Mod Chicks, and a few hugs would lift my spirits. But I honestly was looking forward to leaving the speedway as soon as I arrived.


I kept my sunglasses on until dark. I knew I had mascara and eye liner running down my face. I tried to be sociable, but I must apologize to those I saw that day. I wasn't myself and I knew it. I'm sure they noticed too.


I wasn't at the track twenty minutes when someone from the tour asked if I could help them out and fill in for the night. It was a job that would have kept me too busy to think. Just what I needed, my mind occupied on something other than myself and Montreal. Fortunately, Mike Douglas Sr said he was set for the night and to help bail out the tour.


I did the job and my mind was over occupied for a bit, but didn't get to see the Mod Chicks nearly as much as I would have hoped. This was one time I truly needed them. I was weak. I never admit to being weak, but this time I can't deny the truth. But once the race was over, I headed home, resuming my depression.


I spent all but about 90 minutes that Sunday in bed, wondering what to do with my life. I found that I really enjoyed helping people, especially in the transgender world. But at 43, single and with a mortgage, a career change isn't an option. I missed the part of my soul I left and the people I left in Montreal. I was back to feeling empty and alone.


Monday I returned to work and it was to be my first night back at Newbury Comics. Not what I needed. Over the course of the day (and week) I had a few notes from people telling me how inspiring I was to people and that helped lift my spirits short term. Despite being thirty days since the publication of the latest Nashua Telegraph article, I had two people from different parts of the state, contact me to say they've been following the articles. Strange so far after the fact, and that I've never met either of them before.


I have decided I will do more public speaking to help the community and more personal things to help individuals on case by case basis.


I'm a leaf on a windy day.
Pretty soon I'll be blown away.
How long will the wind blow?
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The View From MySpace


Smile :) Thinking of you.. Great blog!! Perfect chapter beginning for your book..

Angela
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hey you - although I am in an out via the net, I am ALWAYS HEAR FOR YOU! I miss being at the track side by side with you! With all you have been thru and all that you inspire others to do is amazing. Don't hang your head, you need to be proud! Loves and hugs to you my dear!

Lisa
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Dear Cynthia,

I just wanted to drop a note to you to let you know that I think of you often and whenever I have the chance I catch up on your journey. I am not much for writing or staying in touch on a regular basis. The people that I am the closest to have to understand that I feel like friends do not have to talk or write all the time but be more connected on a, for lack of a better word, spiritual level. I think of my friends and if they ever need me, they know that they can count on me. They don't always like that, but that is how I am.

I just finished reading your blogs for the last week or so. I am very touched by them and I feel that, even though we are not really friends (in the conventional sense), but acquaintances more than anything, I am close to you anyway. I just felt that I wanted you to know that.


You have touched my heart and expanded my mind. I always wish you the best and I hope that your life just keeps getting better and better! Really, I cannot wait to see you in person again! I hope that I recognize you! I so don't pay attention when I am in public...it is all about me so often, wrapped up in my own stuff! My mom could walk by me and I would never know it! So, if you see me, holler! I would love to give you a big hug!


Ok, that is enough I guess for now...back to work! Take care hun and I hope to see you soon.


Lauri
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I just would like to tell you that I admire you for what you went through...I have been keeping up with your blogs for months reading them all and wondering what it would have been like to go through all that you did and still be strong...It takes a special person to come out and talk about what you have gone through and share it with others. I'm sure that you are helping a lot of people out there... Take care and hopefully I will get the chance to work with again sometime...

Peggy
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Cynthia,

Yes, we do have some mutual friends, that's how I found you and started to read your blogs. I knew who you were as soon as you came up in the tower.

You are a special person (LIKE I SAID BEFORE) because not many people would go through what you did any then talk about it...

That is great that your true friends stood by you and it looks like you have some great friends...I by no means thought you were Anti-Monadnock. I also know what you mean about the whole macho racing world and totally understand. I have been in the racing world for a very long time.

But I will stay in touch with you if that's ok.
Take care

Peggy
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I think that is an emotion we deal with all through transition. This whole trip is so emotional and rewarding that it's hard to not feel that way. After I had my first appointment with Anne that was exactly how I felt. I was on the cusp of accepting myself and what I needed to do and yet it scared me at the same time. I felt like I was on this roller coaster.

I think regardless of your roller coaster you should be very proud. I loved seeing the pay if forward thought on your blog because that is exactly my belief. It's why I want to be involved more. What your doing is an awesome thing Cyn, not everyone can do that.

Karyn

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ADDENDUM ADDED 2/14/2012
The tour still hasn't paid me or refunded my pit pass at Monadnock that night. And they wonder why I've turned down their two job offers.....pfftttttttttttttt









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