Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Strange Days Indeed

Originally posted December 25, 2007

Strange Days (indeed)

Current mood: crushed

Strange coincidences, but haunting me anyways.

In August 2003 when the "Original Cyn" and I broke up, I went to my favorite watering hole at Hampton Beach to drown my sorrows. It was August but unusually foggy. As I drank my self into oblivion while crying in the fog on the Hampton Harbor. Luckily due to the fog, no one was on the deck with me. But it was my favorite watering hole, not only on the seacoast, but anywhere. Despite being a dump, it really was a cool place, known to only the locals who made me promise not to tell my city (ManchVegas) friends. That was the last time I was there. Between Christmas & New Years, it burnt to the ground.

Since Thanksgiving, I've been haunted from gaps in the past that I needed to close. I'm losing sleep bad and it's killing me. Stupid things 'flashing' by night by night. People, places, situations....all long forgotten. Haunting me. Stressing me.

This Sunday (Dec 23) I woke up with the strangest desire to go to a place to watch football that I haven't been in three or four years. My father figure (Joe Barry) and I used to watch football there religiously, no matter the weather. In December between Christmas & New Year's, I got an awful call, Joe was dying. January 2005 Joe passed away, shockingly to me. I was crushed BUT one thing hindering my transformation was that I didn't want to disappoint Joe. He taught me a lot in life. From gambling, to people to life itself. Joe was the only true father I ever knew despite not being related. Over the years together, Joe took care of me and I in turn watched out for him. I really miss him. I wouldn't be half the strong person I am today without his influence.

I knew if I had gone to Brennans (aka Angelo's) to watch football, I could have seen some old friends. One to bring me back home. Two, to close yet another chapter and say goodbye to friends that knew John. I thought to myself, I'm tired, I'll go next week, before New Years. Heck that's where Joe and I met friends to spend New Years Eve day for years, December 30 was close enough........soooo I stayed home.

I woke up this morning (December 25) to find Brennan's (Angelo's) had burnt to the ground overnight. Christmas Eve/morning. My waiting was yet another mistake. Another place, another closure in my life, burnt to the ground, between Christmas and New Year's.

Thanks to Mark David Chapman, I'll never truly enjoy another Thanksgiving. Thanks to life & fire I don't ever want to see another Christmas to New Years stretch again.

After facilitating the kids group tonight, I drove by Brennan's despite being the opposite way to home. The firetrucks & police were still there. The building was still smoldering.

Only proper. Sometimes I feel like my life is still smoldering.

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