Tuesday, January 31, 2012
The Awesome Gift
Current mood: touched
Last night at the Racersbored.com Bored Bash 2008, I got an awesome gift from Jenn. A girl I've discussed here many a time. It was a stuffed moose. But the story of the moose's history and the words written in the card made the gift, all the more special. Jenn granted me permission to post them.
"Cyn, This old ratty thing, that I love, has gotten me through alot of hard times and some good too! I am passing him on to you to have during your journey and beyond. You can hug him, shake him, yell at him or just feel him there and he will love you no matter who you are, inside or out. So take him on your journey and I know you will be in good hands!!
Just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you!
Jenn aka ModRookie"
Thanks for making me cry last night and again today. He'll be in good hands. I promise.
ADDENDUM ADDED 1/31/2012
The moose carried me through two weeks in Montreal and months of recovery. He still sits proudly in my office at work, watching my every move.
Too Good Not Too Share
Over the years, a lot of friends have said a lot of great things that took me aback, really helped or just plain encouraged me. All of which is greatly appreciated. All of it and all of you. I have the best friends on earth. Case closed.
But this past week, a friend of eight years commented on a blog that just blew me away. I was so thrilled and pleased with these words, that I honestly don't how to respond to her. But these words must be shared. Hopefully the fact that I'm reposting them, will be the compliment I really need to give, Laura Fox.
"Through your posts, blogs, outreach program, collaboration with the Telegraph and just being the friendly and compassionate person you are you're helping so many people. Not just those that are gay/lesbian/transgendered, but those that are confused by, or uncomfortable with, others that are gay/lesbian/transgendered. You should be very proud of yourself for being brave enough and selfless enough to put your journey out there in order to help others. And the number of non-MySpace messages you get just goes to show how many people there are out there looking for support and information. You're an angel in so many ways. Keep up the good work, and when you're feeling dejected and frustrated, please come back and look at this blog to remind yourself of just how wonderful you are."
I'm still blown away. Thanks Laura.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Ok Ok Ok
Current mood: wanted
I posted a bad blog the other day. Thanks to true friends I'm over my slump. I've learned to slow down and not let life's little traumas build up on me. Thank you. You know who you are.
Granted their reasoning is a getaway more than my 'ordeal' but tonight two friends told me that I may have four or five joining me in Oh Canada. That is AMAZING, and more than I could ever have dreamed of or imagined.
To think, the first time(s) I saw that special on Discovery Health Network, I cried over the fact that I was going to be alone. Now I have the potential of five wonderful people coming..........People I truly care about and quite honestly, I'm stunned will be there........I'm thrilled beyond belief.
No more depression, no matter what! I've got friends and that's all that really matters to me.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Thanks To The Manchester Monarchs Booster Club.
I had dropped my Manchester Monarchs season tickets and being a member of the Monarchs Booster Club, just after starting hormones.
The Booster Club never removed me from the e-mail list. Just before Thanksgiving, I received an e-mail because with members being away from the holiday they needed people to sell 50/50 tickets for the Monarchs charities, the night after Thanksgiving. I volunteered.
I had a great time. Sold a ton of tickets. In fact the people in the money office kept pushing me back out to sell because I was having a great turnover rate on ticket sales.
Thanks to the Monarchs Booster Club for getting me back to a place I never really thought I’d get to again. It was a blast helping you and the charities, all while getting out to see people and friends, I hadn’t seen in way too long.
ADDENDUM ADDED 1/29/2012
That night I met a lady, whom would try to contact me after the March 30 Nashua Telegraph article. We've been friends and antagonists since, Mary-Lynn Belforti
And since then I've had people I saw that night, asking me Monarchs questions. No matter how hard I try, they don't understand that I do not and did not work for the Monarchs
Originally posted on November 17, 2007
The Roller Coaster Ride Continues
ADDENDUM ADDED 1/29/2012
Portland wound up being MUCH colder than anticipated.
I woke up after the open house very hungover and very late. Making me late for the spa day, where some of the girls had caused to trouble before arrived and had my phone ringing to get there and straighten things out. LOL
The trophy and card from Heidi are still in my office today. The warmth of her hug that day still resonates.
Strange But Good Week
Current mood: nervous
Last week I got a big package in the mail from Montreal. It contained all of the
regulations I’ll need to follow for the next few months (blood work, tests,
paper work, money etc). It also included a list of things I’ll need to bring to
Montreal, a lot of which I don’t have. Also a list of items I’ll need for when
I return home. That’s where I’ll learn my humility, both between the things
I’ll need and the things I’ll need to do.
This past weekend, the photographer for the Nashua Telegraph (Corey) shadowed me at
Lee USA Speedway all weekend. Corey followed virtually every move I made, to
the point a ton of people, when they didn’t see him, would ask “Who’s that?” or
“what’s going on?” Sunday on the way to the track, Corey told me he had taken
over 1500 photos on Saturday alone! Thank goodness the porta-potties were
single stalls, that was my only privacy!
Tuesday, I got my second and final “recommendation for surgery” letter. Yee f’m haw. Or
as Melinda would say, “yee F’n haw, y’all”
I want to get everything in order, ASAP. So I’m no fighting the cold weather,
snow, Christmas shoppers and any last minute financial crunches.
Tuesday night, I started to gather the necessary items from the list from Montreal.
Stopping at a few pharmacies to gather the needed items. The worst was I need
five tubes of KY. Not being used to doing anything that required lube, I was
confused by the amount of choices, until broke down and had to ask the
pharmacist. Humbling if I may so.
Wednesday, I went shopping for some of the clothing items I was instructed to bring to
Montreal, that I didn’t own. Being shadowed by Karen, the reporter from the
Nashua Telegraph. Which wouldn’t have been bad if I was shopping for items I
was familiar with. But these items I have never shopped for before. So at least
Karen got to see and hear my frustration and thought process in action.
Trying to find two cotton nightgowns (as per instructions) when having never bought
any, isn’t an easy task. Especially since I didn’t want to look like a grandma,
but yet have to remember I’ll be at a hospital. And having some one watch you
and ask questions, made it a true experience. Then shopping for ‘ten pairs of
white cotton panties’ when you own none made for another humbling experience,
as everything had number sizes as opposed to S,M,L & XL. But thankfully I
had to pick up a gift at Victoria’s Secret and they had just what I needed. In
sizes I’m used to working with, and on sale to boot.
Thursday night, I stayed up entirely too late instant messaging with someone I just met
at the modified races, this past summer. She has been a very big help and
inspiration. Even if our first “meeting” freaked me out (A private message from
her). I’m very glad to have gotten to know you, Jenn.
Friday I got a letter from my first true love, Elaina. It really made me happy but
after an hour or so, it really brought me down. Simply because it reminded me
of some great times and great places spent with a great person. I spent 8 ½
years with her. 20% of my life.
Friday night, I went to a Dixie’s (Kathy) for a ‘For Your Pleasure” party, aka a toy
party. With all of the Mod Chick Mafia Chicks minus Pinky (Heidi) , it was
hilarious and a lot of fun. I’m glad I let them talk me into going. I just met
these chicks a year ago and truly can’t imagine life without them.
Today, I got some photos from a very good friend from high school and beyond. They
were of the two of us, back in April. Just seeing her in the photos made my
day. Thanks Kimberly.
Thanks girls, I love you all.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Current mood: anxious
Sorry it’s been as hectic as can be and I’ve hardly had time to catch up on
blogs and friends. I know I need to sit down and write to Laura (I hear India
Palace calling our name) and Melinda, whom I’ll hopefully see in Niagara
A few weeks back, I met with a really nice reporter from the Nashua
Telegraph. I thought it was going to be a one-time interview. But it appears
there’s going to be much more going on. She is looking to do a series on the
transgender in New Hampshire. My situation and timing seemed to be
perfect for what she needs. I do believe the series will also include a doctor
from NH that recently completed her transformation. I believe the Telegraph
is going to shadow me at work, home, the race track etc., right through
She asked if I’m willing to open up my life and I agreed I would. I spent 40
years being shy, I’m not spending the next 40 years that way. Plus if I can
help one person or help educate the masses, it’ll be well worth it. Well, we
start tomorrow at my nail appointment.
Photo by Corey Perrine
I got home from Oswego Classic Weekend and had to start the rest of the surgery
paper work chase. I stopped by the endocrinologist’s office to get his
mandatory paper work and met with Anne Boedecker’s support group,
where I hadn’t been in months. It was great to see the changes in people. I
made a appointment with a second therapist, Leeann Tigert, as you need two
letters to get approval for surgery. I start with Leeann next week.
As soon as I can gather all of the paperwork, it’ll be shipped to Montreal,
next day delivery, as I’m hoping to complete surgery before the end of the
end of the first quarter of 2008. That would give me enough time to heal up
before the start of the racing season. Seeing those early spring shows are
usually two-day shows, I want to be up and around 100%.
Most surprisingly, a girl, Jenn, I had only met a few weeks ago, out of the
blue., sent me an e-mail. She’s a former nurse and without me ever saying
anything, the words in her e-mail read “I want to take care of you physically
and mentally after your surgery.” She totally floored me. That was so nice to
Another great girl. Melinda, offered her nursing services as well though
she’s too far away and has her own health to improve. But she’s a true friend
through and through.
Soon after I made a semi-public announcement about surgery, two awesome
chicks from the Mod Chick Mafia, sent me a totally un-requested surprise.
Without me asking, suggesting, hinting or even alluding to, sent me a note
saying that they were not going to let me go to Montreal alone. Hey are
planning on going up to Montreal with me for a few days. That’s true
friendship. Thanks Linda & Michelle, you two just totally blew my mind.
And considering I barely knew you both a year ago…….
BIG News For Me
Current mood; ecstatic
This is not yet public knowledge, but I know a few close friends tend to read
this, so I’m posting this here.
As many know, I received my permission letter for surgery back in June. But
there was still one major obstacle left to face. The cash.
No thanks to insurance companies, which refuse to help with gender
dysphoria, I needed a ton of cash. Even with two surgical letters.
Well, I’ve been stressing a lot lately, because as a struggling, single
homeowner, I realistically never, ever figured this would go through. Well
today at 1:30 I got the call. Today at 5:00, I was signing the papers. I have
with a small miracle refinanced my house with me receiving the cash
necessary to complete the journey that is forty-three years over due.
My paper work should be in the mail to Montreal, next week. Hopefully
soon, I’ll be announcing my date for sexual reassignment surgery.
I never in my years thought I’d see the day. A special thanks goes to the
supporting friends who’ve been there through the good and bad.
I’m going to sleep really good tonight. For once.
Photo by Corey Perrine
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Worst Fear Strikes
Current mood: uncomfortable
This could be a long blog, but I’ll cut to the chase.
Tonight I facilitated at Manchester Outright (the kids group), but the first twenty
minutes were going horribly wrong. Fortunately my sense of humor took over and
I don’t believe anyone knew the intense inner stress I was feeling. The group
ended up a good one and finished very smooth.
Immediately after the group I had to go grocery shopping because I have a pot luck dinner
in Claremont tomorrow night, with the Mod Chick Mafia. I like things as fresh as possible, so I
picked things up at the last minute.
I started by getting cat food to keep my two cats quiet. I can’t ever go into a
grocery store without getting cat food. There was a gentleman in his late 40’s
about ten yards down the aisle. As I grabbed a few cans, this guy looks over
and says “At least someone knows what their cat eats.” I gave a friendly answer
and went about my business. This guy keeps staring at me. I’ll admit, for
someone who had no self confidence, I looked pretty good tonight. Probably
looking like a forty year old accountant that just left her office. Very
He then comes closer with a bag of cat food he’s buying for his girlfriend’s cat.
He tells me that she’s gone and he’s stuck watching the cat, not knowing what
it eats. I played nice and left the aisle.
As I left the pet food aisle to get my food for tomorrow night’s dinner, he was at
the check out and exclaims “Hey, what are you doing after this?” I reply “I’m
going home.” I finished my shopping about ten minutes later. I proceed to the
checkout and I notice the dude is hanging around the front of the checkout.
Talking to employees and ‘reading’ the bulletin board. My internal fear
I loaded my groceries on to the belt and I notice him staring at me. As the
cashier is ringing me up, I’m in semi-panic mode. I grab my cell phone and make
sure it’s on. Granted I had too many grocery bags in hand to use it if I needed
I’m in a grocery store that shares a parking lot with the music store I work part
time at. As I arrived the store lights were on, but it’s now after 9:30, the
store is closed and Jeff & Adam are in the backroom counting the money. I
took notice of the employee vehicles when I arrived. If I knock on the front
door, they’ll never hear me.
I tried to carry my bags and leave my cell phone accessible. But who would I
As I start walking towards the exit of the grocery store, this gentleman decides
it’s time for him to go as well and offers to help carry some of my purchases.
I politely decline. But he continues to walk with me, asking if I want company.
Again I politely decline. I pick up my pace but it’s not easy in a pencil skirt
and heels after a fourteen hour day. He asks again what I’m doing and if I want
I get to the door and I see the lights in the music store are still on, but how
can I get there? Store is closed, will they answer? Plus my hands are too full
to dial. The whole way to my car, this persistent ass is still hitting on me.
He won’t fucking stop. Not to mention, he already told me he had a girlfriend.
As I get closer to my car, I hear a familiar female voice say “Hey darling”. It
was Linda, a lady from my cribbage league. She was parked next to the
persistent creep. Relieved I went over and said hello and gave her a big hug.
The creep got into his SUV and was STILL asking me if I wanted company. I
declined and continued to make small talk with Linda, an older lady, but a damn
cool one. The creep slowly left, but staring and smiling out the side window
the whole way. Linda then asks me “What’s that all about?”
I thanked her for being there and told her what just happened. She literally saved me from harassment or
worse from this dude. Linda said “You look great. Looking like you, I’m not
surprised he’s following you.”
Welcome to the world of being female. I certainly didn’t ask for this or want anything
to do with this guy, but he wasn’t taking ‘no’ for an answer. WTF?
ADDENDUM ADDED 1/25/06
I went out and bought red pepper spray the very next day, which I still carry
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Sorry This Is Very Late In Coming
Current mood : relaxed
I should have posted this stuff a month ago. I had no clue how many non-MySpace members actually read my blogs, especially the racing crowd, so let me get caught up to date.
June 10, my next door neighbor, whom I’ve often spoken to in neighbor type fashion but have never done anything social with, asked me to go for a ride to a greenhouse with her. I went and along the way, she starts talking to me more personal than ever before. She even shared some of her private life news with me. She later asked if I had a significant other, I replied that I hadn’t, but explained after what happened with my ex, I needed to take time away from dating.
Having been my neighbor for a year and a half, I finally said to her “well, you may have noticed some changes in me.” She laughed and replied “Ya think!” I told her what was going on with me. She and her husband had figured it out, but just weren’t positive of the end goal. She was glad to hear the story and was fully supportive.
June 11, the next day, I received birthday flowers from the Mod Chick Mafia at work. They sent the most awesome pastel roses. These girls really know to make me very, very happy. I love the MCM members so much.
June 12, I was at my therapist. In the mist of our conversation, she tells me, without me asking “Just let me know when you want your letter”. I was floored, stunned and ungawdly ecstatic. I do know, my camaraderie with most girls, especially the MCM was help. That and the fact that I could care less hat males and especially the males at the race track thought of my situation, was a boost in my being approved for surgery.
June 13, I was leaving for work and I got stopped, by the same neighbor mentioned above. She wanted to check out my outfit and commented on how great I always looked. Then in talking about clothes, she gave me the ultimate compliment. She said “You always look so nice, can you talk me shopping and help me pick out clothes?” Of course I will.
June 17, I had my bi-annual check up with my endocrinologist. Reviewing my latest blood work my hormone levels are that of 100% female, in both estrogen and testosterone. My insides now match my mind. Now just to complete the outside. He did boost my Premarin intake just a notch to help develop a bit further and quicker. Yes, my boobs are real. Stop asking.
June 30 was the Opie & Anthony Traveling Virus, for details read “Thanks Pests”
Lately the race tracks have been a better scene. People that had stopped talking to me are starting to talk to me like I’m human again, especially on the Modified Racing Series tour. One the NEMA tour, Deb Marvuglio (Shane Hammond’s mom) and Jennifer Scrivani have been incredible in their support and pushing me to push the boundaries to where they should be. But one person in particular has become an awesome ally, a very good friend and I’m someone I’m glad I met, Toni Cabral (Randy’s sister). Toni you are an incredible young lady and I appreciate your friendship more than you’ll ever know.
The above is not to take away from anyone in racing, especially the NEMA hierarchy. Mod Chick Mafia, Carol Haynes, Jim Feeney, Sue Fiske, John Ashley, Petra Long, Mike Douglas Jr. & Sr., Robert Gill and many others. They’ve all been spectacular.
To think how incredibly close I was to suicide four years go, to be the happy person I am now. I’m rich with friends and that means a lot. Thank you.
And to those that don’t like me anymore…..ppfffffffffffffftttttttttttttt.
And no Bob Gangwer, despite your efforts at Stafford, I will NOT be entering the amateur wet t-shirt contest at Oswego, on Classic Weekend.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Current mood: ecstatic
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Anne also had a support group, which I attended. And my first night there I walked away with more information than I ever imagined. But as I told them my biggest fear was coming out in a male dominated place like my employer. I got a few chuckles and found out one of the girls there was a quality control manager at a metal shop, one worked at a naval shipyard and another was the head engineer at a nuclear power plant. And I was worried about a printing company?
Anne had often warned me to slow down, I was moving too quick. I'm going to get burned. Which is quite common and to this day I try to warn others to take baby steps. Some listen. Some don't.
But in my late July appointment, after a day of complete breakdown (see "I Don't Think I Can Make It") and the enthusiasm I gained after the incident at Margaritas (see "The Ladies At Margaritas") I told Anne, I wanted to make a date to go 'full time", as you have to live at least one full year before being eligible for surgery. I thought eleven months, my next birthday in June 2007. Anne shocked me with her reply. of "Why so far? You're perfectly ready now." This coming from the person constantly warning me to slow down.
I was enthralled to say the least, and we decided for Halloween 2006. One, it's obvious timing, but the bigger reason was racing season would be over. I wouldn't have to worry about the name change or any other confusion. Until the Waterford Speedbowl rained out and the rain date was moved to early November.
In between, I had heard people talk about Racersbored and seen the name on many race cars, especially modifieds. I finally took a look at the message board and ended up signing up. Little did I realize that some very key friends would be made that not only took me in, got me through highs and the terrors, of the next few years. But most importantly, remain solid friends to this day and I can not imagine life today without them. Too many to mention all by name but they know who they are. But over time a group of ten girls (including myself) and a half chick (honorary member), would create a special bonded group, the "Mod Chick Mafia"
I had set up my retirement from NEMA due to the life change that was coming. But after the make up November race, Steve Grant, Deb Marvuglio and Mike Scrivani took me out for dinner and assured me they wanted me back in 2007. No matter who I was becoming or changing my name to, they felt I was one of the best race directors in New England and they didn't want to lose me. With the support from those three, Nokie Fornoro and Peter Falconi, I was locked in. I would return for the 2007 season. Against my better judgment and the warnings of racing friends "in the know" to just get out and live my life away from a race track. At a 'coming out' dinner in Portsmouth, Bill Quirk wisely told me "You've done everything you wanted to do in racing. Get out." Foolishly I ignored his request.
Once I went full time, I could show zero signs of going back to "John" or my eligibility time-line would need to start over. With the upcoming Modified Racing Series banquet coming, I thought I could revert back to "John" for a day. But was forewarned not to by not only Anne Boedecker, but peer pressured by two increasingly close friends, and MCM members Linda Kimel and Michelle Lavigne. (See Bizarre Few Days). I did it. I survived the banquet. a huge first step.